Holding On To HIM!!
If someone had told me that
“it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”
when I was going through the heartache of trying to emotionally detach from someone that I loved, I think I would have slapped them.
I didn’t want to love him!
It did hurt beyond explanation!
But now I do get it!
What I came to find, is that love is what’s inside of you, it never really is about the other person.
Detaching from someone that you gave your heart to is a process.
It truly is a journey of self discovery, but if you are prepared to do the work, it can lead you to a path of finding emotional freedom and inner wisdom.
One of the things you have to do is to take control of your mind and it’s thought patterns.
We know that our suffering is in our thoughts, so you have to retrain your subconscious mind, and give it a new pattern of thoughts.
After I had some distance from him, I was still struggling to emotionally let go, So I asked myself; “What did he actually add to my life?”
When I really thought about it, the answer was that he only added drama, chaos and uncertainty.
In fact, I didn’t even like the man he was becoming or the man that he actually was, even though I thought I loved him!
That’s how powerful the bonding chemicals are.
I realised that I was really holding on to the emotions of grief more than the actual person.
I was holding on to the suffering!
The sadness, the longing, the missing of that person in my life, the nostalgia of the memories and even the hurt of the betrayal.
Now, I know that it is perfectly normal to feel these emotions, I mean, if someone you love died, you would feel the same but in my case, he had CHOSEN to leave me, so these emotions were not really practical to me.
I chose to suffer!
Somewhere in my mind, I was thinking, surely he must feel it too.
I mean, I was no longer in his life either.
I had been by his side for sometime, surely it meant something!
But by coming to understand that he was not encumbered by nostalgia, or haunted by memories of the past, actually helped me.
People and places just did not mean that much to him, and our history was not that important either.
I had to realise that it did not matter how attractive, intelligent, loving and caring I was, I could not compete with a new shiny toy.
Yes that is sad, and I could be bitter about it, but no amount of “suffering” was going to make a difference in his life.
By the time I got to this point in my healing process, I was pretty much over it.
I knew I did not need to hold on to him, or to the emotions.
The cognitive dissonance was starting to dissolve.
So the only thing left to do was to take control of my life and to work on myself.
We can’t control anyone else, so control what you can.
That’s when you decide to build the best life you can, for you!
You get to the point where you take your power back.
You realise that YOU are in fact an awesome person with the qualities you attributed to him.
When someone suggested that I write down what it is that I actually love about him, I actually stopped short, because I realised that what I loved about him was the very qualities he had proven himself not to have; loyalty, personal integrity, honour and faithfulness, actually these qualities were me!
I was in love with the illusion of what I wanted him to be.
I was in love with the idea of him.So my advice is this, heal your emotions and you may get a new insight into the relationship.
You may find out that you will always care about that person you once shared your heart with, but you will be ok with it and it will no longer hurt you.
It’s been almost two years since he walked out my life and my world fell apart.
However, I still managed to live a life full of love, joy and happiness because that’s who I am.
I am the source of that, and I can give that to others!
You can’t just decide to forget someone but know that you have to give yourself a break.
It is normal to miss him even if things didn’t end well, you are used to spending time with him and sharing things with him and that is not going to change over night.
It really helps if you decide when to miss him, for example, if you find yourself thinking about him several times a day decide that you will think about him at a certain time instead.
Put him in a folder and revisit the folder later in the day.
Do something nice to distract yourself until your set time.
This way your thoughts will be more controlled and less impulsive.
At the time you decide to think about him, do, but try to remember the bad as well as the good.
It is not a crime to miss him, it’s just an adjustment period.
Gradually that folder you put him in will be taken out less often.
The love you feel for him will become less intense and you can start enjoying your life without him.
I learnt that life will never stop for anyone, no matter how much you are hurting!
You may feel that you will never love again and that’s ok but try not to give up everything for someone who played with your emotions and broke your heart.