A Letter From A Narcissist!!!
I have been hurt, lied to and manipulated by A Narcissist and I’m still in my healing process.
So I hope this will help you all to know who are we dealing with!
A letter from A NARCISSIST;
I have lied to you about nearly everything.
I’m not sorry for this behaviour because I can’t empathise with you.
I chose Narcissism so early in my life that I never had the chance to develop a conscience or the capacity to feel remorse or empathy for the way I hurt you.
Still I know it’s wrong on an intellectual level.
I just can’t feel your pain.
Sometimes I wish I could but I can’t.
I became A Narcissist because as a child I felt too vulnerable, I was sensitive, I felt too much and most of it was painful.
I was made to feel like I was a nobody.
I was hurt, betrayed and abused just like you.
I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t loved or why I was treated with contempt like I didn’t matter.
I was also never given a good example of how to become a good person.
I never had anyone to model in a positive way.
Life was so painful for me that I had to do something about it, Something Drastic.
I had to become strong and never show weakness again because my weakness was killing me.
I was trained that being a sensitive person who feels compassion and remorse, a person who can love others is a weak person.
I know that isn’t really the case but it’s how I was trained.
I was so young that I couldn’t see how wrong that might have been.
I reached a point where I had to make a choice and in order to survive, I had to sacrifice my humanity.
I didn’t want to do it but I felt like I had to.
I didn’t want to be hurt anymore.
I had to sell my soul.
In order to sell my soul I had to shut you and everyone else out.
I couldn’t allow myself to feel too much.
I couldn’t allow myself to be sensitive anymore and that meant I could no longer allow myself to love anyone, feel anyone else’s pain or joy or feel sorry if I did something wrong.
I had to do this mask that I wear which is a lie and in order to keep that lie intact, I had to treat others badly.
I had to diminish you to prop my false self up.
I had to hate you in order to love the mask that I show the world.
Because if I didn’t continuously prop myself up by making you feel bad then my mask of lies might fall off and expose the real me.
A powerless and vulnerable child which I had to protect at all costs even if it meant destroying everyone around me.
I’m a bully but inside I know I’m nothing.
I act like I love myself but I really don’t.
I only love the mask I wear.
I abuse you to protect that mask.
You can never get through to my true self because the lies I tell are nearly impenetrable.
I have lied so often and for so long that I myself have come to believe my own lies.
I’m a walking lie and that’s the truth.
I will never let you get close to feel me.
I don’t even know what I feel anymore.
Most of the time I feel nothing because a lie has no feelings.
If you tried to destroy my protective armour then I will destroy you.
If I must go down in flames, I’m going to take you with me.
I will rage and I will abuse you.
I will gaslight you and tell you the most horrific lies about yourself.
I may seem nice at first when I feel like the supply you give me is threatened or that you may leave.
I know how to get others to trust me by acting like a nice person.
I’m good at acting but I can’t feel a nice person’s emotions.
It’s hard work to act nice because that’s a lie too.
Then when you begin to trust me, I will start abusing you because I must keep you at arm’s length to keep my mask of lies intact at all costs.
Both the niceness I show you and The Devil I become are lies.
I can’t even access who I really am because I have forgotten how.
I just know that my true self is there, somewhere and I can never ever let you meet it.
If you mirror back to me too much of the truth.
If I become aware that you know that this mask I always wear is fake then I will attempt to destroy you and cut you out of my life.
I can’t afford to have the truth about myself revealed to me.
Nothing terrifies me more than facing the truth about myself so I have dissociated myself from it.
It scares me so much to realise how evil I have become.
It hurts me so much that I had to choose this fake self because of what was done to me.
I hate being evil.
I really don’t want to be this way but I will never ever admit it.
I can’t ever show you or anyone in the world how weak and vulnerable I really am but deep inside I know I’m still an infant because I never grew up.
My emotional and moral development was arrested when I was very young and I only have the emotional maturity of that age.
That’s why I can’t care about you.
It’s why I must always have my way.
If an infant can’t care about your feeling and neither can I.
I’m like a mentally challenged person, only my retardation isn’t mental, it’s emotional and moral.
I’m emotionally retarded.
It’s hard work keeping up my false self.
I’m paranoid and defensive all the time that I will be discovered and exposed.
It’s enormously stressful to be A Narcissist.
It’s stressful and often painful and I know I have sacrificed the ability to ever feel real happiness in order to never be hurt again.
But still I hurt all the time.
You can hurt me very easily.
The only way I dare show my hurt is by projecting it back onto you through my abuse and my rage.
I’m a bully because I always hurt so much.
But I can’t hurt for you, only for myself.
I can’t afford to hurt for you.
I’m too busy always licking my own wounds and trying to keep the lie going.
I will hurt you if I must to keep the lie intact.
As I age, I may soften a little but most likely I won’t.
I could even become worse.
Don’t wait for me to change because I most likely never will.
Once I chose this life, there was no going back.
I chose darkness and once that’s done there’s no going back to the light.
I sold my soul and there’s no way to get it back but through the grace of God Himself.
If you care about yourself because I can never care about you then you must leave now.
Don’t play my games.
Ignore me and act like I don’t exist.
Being treated like I don’t exist is the worst thing I can imagine but if you care about your own survival it’s what you must do.
I will destroy you if you don’t.
Heed my warning!
There’s even a small, a very small chance that your abandoning me and taking away the supply I get from you could make me take a look in the mirror for the first time at the lost child I left behind so long ago.
If that happens, I will be in so much pain that I may seek the help I need.
Don’t count on it though.
Even if I ever seek help, once I start feeling too much pain I will probably leave counselling.
Feeling that pain is too terrifying.
It’s easier to abuse my own mind and yours by keeping up the masks and lies.
Don’t wait for me to change because I won’t.
Don’t play my games.
Even if I rage, hold your ground.
You are stronger than me.
I will never let you know that I know this.
Don’t fall for my lies.
Better yet, leave now and keep your soul intact.
Don’t allow me to turn you into a shell of what you used to be or worse, to a person like me even though it’s what I want.
If you are with A Narcissist, please do take care of yourself and don’t just walk away but run while you can before you lose yourself!
It’s easy to move on and let go of The Narcissist once you finally accept it within yourself that he is sick!
The best thing to do is to be out of his life!
Don’t just walk away but run as fast as you can and stay away!!