Beware Of The Charming Narcissist And How You Get Sucked In.
An Article by Psychology Today.
Charming and self absorbed people are very captivating.
You can unwittingly get caught up in their world and lose sight of your own and in some cases, your self.
How can this happen even to intelligent good and well-meaning people?
It starts somewhat like the following:
A charming self absorbed person hangs on your every word and seems to think what you have to say is important.
They look into your eyes and smile at you as if you are wonderful.
They agree with your opinions and seem interested in you.
He may compliment and flatter you about something you find important such as how you think, how you are in touch with your feelings, your appearance, your choices and so on.
They will want to do what you want to do at almost any time.
They will make you feel cherished, valued, and of significance.
No wonder you are entranced.
You think you have found your soulmate.
However, after some time you find that this person does some or all of the following:
Gradually withdraws his interest in you.
Begins to interrupt you when you are talking and may change the topic.
Starts to look around the area when he is with you whereas before you were the center of his attention.
Ignores or challenges your opinions in contrast to previous agreement with those.
Starts to criticise you about little things.
Rejects your suggestions for activities that were formerly accepted with enthusiasm.
Conversations are mostly focused on him.
Gradually begins to spend less time with you.
Seems very interested and complimentary about someone else.
You can become disquieted but can’t identify just what is bothering you about The charmer.
What usually happens is that you think that you are at fault and want to recapture his initial interest and feelings about you so, you begin to do any or all of the following:
Become apprehensive and anxious about the relationship.
Feel that you have become inadequate and are not pleasing that person.
Redouble what you think attracted him to you but that does not seem to work.
Try to be empathic and seek out what you think the person wants or needs.
May violate some of your values in the effort to keep his attention and interest.
May try to confront him about the changes in behaviour and attitude.
None of the efforts are likely to be effective or to work for the long term.
The person may seem to return to the earlier interest and attention but not for long.
Your frustration increases.
You do not have many choices.
You can continue to try to get back to the attention and interest but that usually does not work.
You can move on to another relationship with another person but you may not want to leave this relationship even though it is not working well for you.
You can do nothing and see what happens but in the meantime you are miserable.
None of these seem viable.
Worse, you can blame yourself for not being good enough for that person.
It probably will not help a lot but you are not alone in this experience with that person and he has jumped from relationship to relationship not ever staying long or allowing the relationship to deepen and become meaningful.
There are many broken relationships in that person’s life but he continues to seek for someone who can fulfill the emptiness within.
Neither you nor anyone else can provide the relationship that will end the emptiness.
When you are able to accept that the charmer is self absorbed, unable to form meaningful relationships and explore your needs, wishes and desires that led you to be captivated by him you will begin to heal, grow, develop and move on to more satisfying relationships.
It is not easy but it can be done.
When I read this article I was in shock and wished to know about The Narcissists before I met mine.
Everything written I can relate to, I have text messages from him that describes every single stage of those.
I remember the first time he started to flip and unveil his true identity to me was by denying that he ever flirted, mislead or attract me to him.
He claimed that at first we coincidentally encountered each other after a meeting, then I asked to meet him few weeks after to present a gift to him, claiming that when he agreed we met for a coffee and talked business for 15 minutes.
The truth was when we first encountered each other it was after a meeting I had yes, but he then stopped me to say hello and said that he saw me from far but was waiting for me to finish my meeting.
The only truth was here was yes I asked to meet him to present him a gift but that was after a lot of flirty texts from him and after he mentioned to me that he feels so lucky to have met me.
We met and I presented him the gift, then we kept on talking for about two hours ,, we never had coffee.
Then he went on saying that all are encounters was based on professional grounds so I sent him back screen shots of our texts and told him if this is what he calls professional then something is really wrong with him, of course he never replied.
I was confused and lost thinking what did I do to upset him like this?
Then we talked again, he apologised and said that he’s going through a lot and that’s why he said what he said but didn’t mean any of it.
I stayed in this rollercoaster for about a year before he unleash the true monster in him.
He opened all the gates of hell on me when I started to figure him out, he did everything in his power trying to destroy my career, reputation and credibility by spreading lies, rumours and claiming that I was mentally unstable.
I never thought that I have so much strength in me until I was put in this situation, I was shattered from inside but at the same time determined not to lose everything I worked very hard to achieve in my career without a fight.
During the war, several investigations took place because of his accusations.
And not once did he confront me.
I remember asking my superiors at work to call a meeting with both of us in it so I can confront him with all his accusations but he never agreed and being in a higher level than me at work, the confrontation never happened.
Thankfully all his attempts to get me fired failed, however he never gave up trying even until this very moment.
I learnt to ignore him and ignore all the rumours he is spreading about me, taking the higher road I never mentioned his name neither with the good or the bad.
When anyone ask me if I heard what he’s saying, I always respond by I have heard it all and I hope he gets what he’s looking for.
I used to pretend that it didn’t affect me even though I was dying from inside and so many times I wanted to ask him why?
I faked that I didn’t care until I really stopped caring, so fake it till you make it.
Now when I think about how I feel, I discovered that I don’t hate him because hate is a very powerful emotion and as we all know between love and hate is a very thin line, instead now all what I feel is passiveness, disrespect, pity and despise.
I know that I didn’t lose much, instead I discovered strength in me I never thought existed, I started writing a book and I’m determined to help people going through Narcissist Abuse.
For me that is winning.