Was It The Excitement?!
I’m not sure if it was excitement because it used to be hard a while ago when I still cared.
It was hard because of the confusion I was experiencing.
I wasn’t sure how I felt and it’s never a good thing.
I feel simultaneously happy and uneasy when I remember him.
I pity him and I loathe him at the same time.
It was all contradictory and it was exhausting.
I tried to stop crying myself to sleep every night.
I don’t want to replace any of it.
I wanted it out of my life.
By the time of his discard I was so completely broken and so disappointed.
I was only unhappy and mostly numb.
If that weird confusion and numbness could be called excitement then I want none of it.
I’m trying to be rational now and feel it is my medicine.
I’m at peace now.
I won’t deny that his discard was so heartbreaking.
However I’m over the threshold where I was torn between my own illusions and the harsh reality of who he was.
I want to replace it with wholesomeness.
My life was pure hell in increasing degrees.
Every possible chance of happiness was ruined by this monster.
He sabotaged everything all the time.
Again to varying degrees.
He didn’t want me to be happy and made sure my pleasure, peace, happiness and contentment were robbed.
This may seem dramatic but it was true.
There is nothing to look back on.
The most pleasant thought I had was on the day.
I was a mess most of the time, walking on eggshells, panic attacks and so sick all the time.
Life is a cruise and a complete joy on my own.
It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy others company but I’m happy now and I never was when with the narcissist.
Anything else before that was him pretending to care and his fairytale enacted to capture me.
I don’t miss that because it’s a dreadful memory.
It was a Circus Act.
He goes grand in the beginning with no holding bars but once you are in you realise the sadness and then when it’s down and moved on you realise what a true farce it was.
Find the you before The Narcissist and embrace yourself as you grow through this trauma.
The new you will soon emerge with so much understanding and