Coming To Terms With The Agony Of Knowing That The Narcissist Never Loved Me!
When we discover essential truths about Narcissists and realise that The Narcissist is not capable of genuine love, it’s gut wrenching.
The intense salt in the wounds is the understanding that he doesn’t love us and actually never did.
We may experience this in many different forms.
Maybe this person who once vowed and declared we are his soulmate, that he truly love us, and he can’t live without us has moved on to another relationship without even a second glance.
And maybe this person is attempting to discredit and destroy us, and is trying to rip us apart.
These behaviours are clearly the very opposite of what love should be.
Of course this feels personal, and The Narcissist’s tactics bring on every insecurity and fear we may have had about ourselves, like;
I am not loveable and not worthy of being loved.
Virtually every individual who has sustained a relationship with A Narcissist loved this person, and kept loving him until the pain was excruciating.
We can agonise about the injustice of handing over so much of our love and support for months, years or decades to come to the horrific realisation that all of this loving and giving amounted to nothing, and was never genuinely reciprocated by the very person who was meant to love us.
In all of the people that I talked to, and within my own Narcissistic Abuse experience, this situation proves to be one of the hardest to get past and come to terms with.
We feel emotionally annihilated by this insane betrayal of what we thought was love.
As human beings with a conscience, who gives love and compassion, it feels unthinkable that another person is incapable of loving or can profess love one minute and do the exact opposite the next.
This insane version of love greatly disturbs our logic and destroys our emotions, because ‘love’ is the very essence of why we want to be in a relationship, connect and share our lives with another person.
Loving and being able to share love is as natural for us as it is to breathe.
When we look at our version of love we have no ability to fathom, let alone accept why The Narcissist did not reciprocate love genuinely.
Understanding Why The Narcissist is Incapable of Love in order to come to terms with the fact that The Narcissist Never Loved US, we must understand why he acts the way he does;
The Narcissist does not operate as what we know as a ‘normal’ human being.
The Narcissist has no desire to allow love, teamwork or cooperation into his life.
The Narcissist believes he has to remain ‘separate’ in order to survive.
The Narcissist needs to dump his internal torment onto an intimate partner and make the other person at fault in order to try to relieve his tormented inner self.
The Narcissist needs to steal energy ‘Narcissistic Supply’ in order to attempt to fill his own pain of inner emptiness.
The Narcissist, due to internal emptiness needs to take energy and doesn’t have the resources to give it back once he secures a much needed supply.
The Narcissist through damaging a person close to him is experiencing the omnipotent high of feeling significant enough to affect another person in this manner.
The Narcissist can’t genuinely feel love but knows how to feign it in order to secure attention and significance.
Narcissists know that intimate people in their lives who are hooked, are the best targets to harvest as well as release internal anger and that these people will hang around whilst it takes place.
From our own moral compass, these things seem horrific and unspeakable.
The following information maybe confrontational but the reason I’m expressing what I’m about to say is because it will help in understanding what Narcissism is.
If we are all honest with ourselves, we know that at times when we felt empty, worthless, scared and insecure we may have acted in manipulative ways and even did hurt other people in order to try and feel better within ourselves.
Whether or not we were children or adults, we know our capacity to be immature and nasty.
If we live our lives through a lens of fear and victimised feelings, and felt separate, unworthy and unloveable, we may act Narcissistically when seeing other people as enemies.
Hopefully these times are momentary and because we have a conscience we often regret what we have done, apologise and take responsibility.
When we apply self realisation, we realised that these tactics of fear, separation and egotistical defence mechanisms do not procure healthy results and accordingly we decided to grow up.
Can you imagine what it would be like if we were stuck in this programming with no way out?
This is exactly the reality of The Narcissist who has such an overdeveloped, fearful and aggressive ego and such a damaged, stunted and numb sense of connection, union and trust, that makes him unable to operate in any other way.
If he momentarily does, as soon as self loathing and fear resurfaces which are The Narcissist’s powerful inner drivers the old compulsions kick straight back into gear and constantly reassert.
Quite simply The Narcissist can’t and therefore doesn’t grow up.
We have experienced this many times.
Just when we think that The Narcissist gets it, will take responsibility for his poor behaviour and profess to change, Mr. Hyde appears again, and we are going back through the same abusive, nonsensical and mind bending patterns.
We continually feel like we are battling with an irrational 5 year old.
If we are really honest with ourselves, we know that this is not what ‘love’ is meant to be.
The truth of the matter is:
The Narcissist is incapable of love because he is incapable of loving and accepting his own self.
The enemy within becomes the enemy without, and everyone is the enemy because of this self loathing, and as the intimate partner, this most definitely means that we are the closest target on his list.
The first step in gaining relief from the torment of realising that He never loved us, is the acceptance of the truth that A Narcissist does what he does because he is A Narcissist.
The Truth will always set us free.
Our Soul Truth,
When we resist The Truth, our healing process won’t begin because we will be trying to change ‘what is’ into a version of ‘what we want it to be’.
Denial means our life and emotions will keep beating us up until we accept the truth.
Delusion, denial and nonacceptance are resistance which creates our self disintegration because we can never come to peace with our life in the now.
When we accept The Truth we will finally start to set ourselves free, take back our power and incorporate a version of ‘love’ that is going to work.
One thing is for certain, we can’t make A Narcissist love us, in fact we can’t make anyone love us, we can only learn how to love ourselves, and then people who are capable of genuine love will gravitate towards us.
Like so many others I used to seek myself through others.
I didn’t know how to have an authentic sense of love for myself.
As a result I would try to make people who didn’t have the resources love me and will stay attached to them in this futile exercise.
When I realised The Truth, which all along was that This has always been about learning to Love Myself, everything shifted.
No longer was I attracted to unavailable or Sadistic Narcissistic individuals.
THEN healthy people that showed me genuine love became my reality.
In order to get real love, we must understand that; It isn’t anyone else’s job to supply us with ‘love’, it is our own.
Our lovableness does not rely on any specific person’s level of love or non love.
When we don’t love ourselves, we will rationalise the warning signs, the pain and the abuse, and will try to make an abusive person love us in order to feel whole.
We haven’t previous to and during this abuse, felt ‘enough’ or ‘loveable’ unless someone else was granting us this love and we felt rejected and unloveable when they didn’t.
Coming Home to Loving Ourselves, The Laws of Life and Energetic Reality is an absolute force and the foundation of all the reality we experience.
This system is undeniable and can’t be shortcut.
Our life experience will only ever supply and provide us with what we are supplying ourselves.
The ‘gap’ that The Narcissist was able to operate through is: We didn’t learn healthy boundaries, how to love and respect ourselves fully, or how to let go of the ‘dream’ that someone else was going to provide us love, safety and inner fullness.
All of us who have suffered Narcissistic Abuse wanted to feel whole, safe, loveable and ‘enough’ and wanted another person to confirm this to us.
The truth is, we haven’t as yet confirm the essential ‘self commodities’ within ourselves.
We didn’t realise the absolute need to genuinely love and respect ourselves in order to receive more of that from others.
The realisation of ‘he never loved me’ is pointing us to the place of authenticity and the way home to the love we really want to create in our lives.
The crippling pain which is arguably like no other has brought on the necessity to understand what we need to establish within ourselves.
When we work on this, we will know that it is irrelevant that The Narcissist is incapable of love, in fact his issues and curse in life to bear the inability to know, participate in and share genuine love, whereas we do have this ability, and unlike The Narcissist we can turn our love experience around.
This was never about The Narcissist, this was always about us.
The Narcissist was simply a catalyst showing us the truth.
When we work on our inner self, a person who is incapable of love will not be our reality.
We will no longer agonise over the ‘what if’s’, ‘should have beens’, and the wasted years of our effort and love, and we will come home to ourselves genuinely and create a genuine love in our lives.
Our healing is the need to let go of the need to gain ourselves through love from The Narcissist, and fully commit to the journey of loving ourselves.
We are capable of creating real love from within, and this is the only place that manifests it genuinely from others.
That is the life we deserve.
Once accepting and being at peace with ‘The Narcissist didn’t love me’, we have the golden opportunity to claim the gift of loving ourselves.
Those of you who have come to terms that The Narcissist never loved you, please share your stories and insight into how you overcame this hurdle.
It will help and inspire many to do the same.
Remember, you can always remain Anonymous.