Coping With Unrequited Love.
One day Cupid was hanging out when he glimpsed two potential partners walking around.
He shot one with his arrow and as he was reaching for the second one he realised that he was fresh out so he went home.
Then he realised that there were no more arrows there either.
Cupid never went back to visit those potential partners and instead leaving only one person with an arrow piercing her heart.
I tell myself this story any time I’m dealing with unrequited love.
One sided love can often be an arduous and a destructive journey.
There is a poem by Rumi that perfectly describes it and whenever I read it, I relate to the pain of wanting to give up on someone’s love but not being able to.
The poem goes like this,
How long are you going to beat me like a drum and make me sigh for you like a violin?
You answer; Come I will hold you close and stroke you like a lute.
But I feel more like a flute that you put in your mouth and then neglect to blow.
I realise that the dawn when we will meet again will never break,
so I give it up little by little this love.
But something in me laughs when I say this someone shaking his head and chuckling softly Hardly, Hardly.
Giving up little by little on the love we have for someone who doesn’t love us back is challenging and doesn’t happen overnight.
But the good news is that we can move on if we adopt the right attitude and put it into practice.
If you happen to have feelings for someone and those feelings are not mutual, here are some ways to help you cope.
• See the reality.
Oftentimes our hopes are different than our reality.
When we are overwhelmed with emotions we fail to see what is actually happening and instead we focus on our hopes.
Consequently we disregard our beloved’s actions if it shows anything other than what we wish for.
We should behold the actions of the person we love instead of focusing on our expectations.
We will eventually realise that what we are expecting is different than what truly is.
• Love yourself.
There is a quote that says Be the love you never received.
When we love someone who doesn’t love us back, we usually look at the reasons why this person might not have loved us.
Instead of focusing on what hasn’t attracted this person, we should love ourselves just the way we are and eliminate any destructive thoughts that might block the process.
It is our chance to give ourselves the kind of love that we expect from others.
• See his flaws.
Occasionally we put the person we love on a pedestal and idealise him.
I believe that when it comes to love, we should love the person with all his flaws because it strengthens our union.
However, when it comes to unrequited love, loving the flaws only keeps us hooked and disillusioned.
When dealing with one sided love it is valuable to shed the light on the flaws instead of transforming it into perfect imperfections, it can help us get over him faster.
• Understand your psychological makeup.
It is in our nature to desire what is often unattainable.
The more something appears inaccessible the more we tend to want it.
Understanding how our minds work helps us figure out the reality of things.
And the truth is that part of our desire to be with that person might be because he doesn’t want to be with us.
• Attracting the same person over and over again.
We tend to unconsciously repeat the same patterns in our lives.
When it comes to love especially we are inclined to attract the same kind of lovers over and over again.
Some of us attract emotionally unavailable people, cheaters or commitment phobic partners.
The pattern repeats itself because there is something inside of us that we need to work on.
Notice if you fall in love with the same type of people and try to solve the underlying issues, most are problems that stem from our childhood or past traumas.
• Know that it is not you.
We usually associate unrequited love with our own shortcomings.
As long as we maintain this conviction we stay with that person to show him that there is nothing wrong with us.
We need to know that experiencing unrequited love has nothing to do with something being wrong with us.
Many of us experience this.
A person may fall for us but we might not be into him for reasons that have nothing to do with him and the opposite is true.
Remember what Warsan Shire said, You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love.
• Don’t regret it.
When it comes to unrequited love, we frequently blame ourselves for falling for the wrong person.
Instead of beating ourselves up for it we should find the gift.
Unrequited love is a blessing in disguise.
It is a proof that we can love and give so much which only tells us that we are prepared for the person who will love us back.
• Accept it.
We might chase the people who don’t want us because we have an unconscious desire for closure or for a way to change the past.
I know it is hard to move on without closure but sometimes the situation ending is closure in itself.
The person you love knows you love him but he doesn’t feel the same and it doesn’t help anyone to try and change his mind.
Let go of finding closure and move on without it.
• Someone will love you or already does.
In order to find the person who loves you, you must make space for him to enter your life.
The first step toward creating this space is to let go of love stories that are no longer serving you.
Stephen Chbosky says, We accept the love we think we deserve.
Identify what you deserve in a lover and I promise you that one day you will find him.