Discovering That He Is A Narcissist?
It was the Panic attacks.
After his final discard which was a cataclysm of violent abuse at a break neck speed and the immediate silence that followed was not comfortable for me.
All I could think of in those quiet moments were the depraved manner in which he departed.
I was on edge 24/7 and yet my abuser was 1500 miles away.
I was confused and bewildered, battered and heartbroken.
I started to notice a feeling of dread that came upon me instantaneously as I awoke every day and I knew that wasn’t normal.
Things were suppose to get better day by day.
I couldn’t motivate myself beyond the bare necessities of life functions and this too was not a trait of my character.
Something was different.
I knew at the end that I had never been in such a horrible situation but I thought that it would end the way every other so-called relationship ended but it would just take more time.
And then came the panic attacks.
My behaviour contradicted every facet of my strength of character.
If you knew me you would know that I’m the last person to have a panic attack.
A lack of my self confidence has never been an issue.
It started immediately after the discard.
I could be triggered into a panic attack by realising that I only had an hour to get ready for work rather than an hour and a half.
I could be triggered by my friend asking me what I was going to do over the weekend.
I could be triggered by a number of random things happening at work.
I could be having a conversation in a group of friends and be triggered to the point where I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom where I would hyperventilate.
My friends sensed my despondency.
My family knew I was not myself.
My employers started noticing that my focus was far from the level it needed to be.
One morning after a horrible night of ruminating and obsessing over the trauma that had transpired, I decided to Google search his behaviour.
And I felt that what was happening to me was a result of psychological abuse.
The term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder kept coming up in my readings and I knew that this is what I was suffering from.
After that I went a few weeks believing that I could on myself by myself.
For some reason the idea of seeing a therapist was an admittance of myself to being something that was not myself and I was not ready to do that.
I kept researching and I kept reading.
I discovered the world of personality disorders and when I started matching up the bullet points of criteria that describe Narcissistic Personality Disorder to my experience with my abuser,
the bells started ringing and ringing and ringing.
Following the discard and panic attacks, I also searched silent treatment while trying to understand what the hell happened and pandora’s box sprung open for me.
It was like a big fat jaw dropping revelation for me.
I kept Googling on reasons why would someone do what he did.
It was then I found out that he is actually A Covert Narcissist.
He fit everything perfectly, every single word he said and expressed was what a covert narcissist would do.
Everything about him made sense after that.
Everything fell into place and ever since I have been here soaking up information like a sponge.
My work with a therapist, my work on myself and my education into personality disorders over the last two years is what brought me to understand that I was a victim of a disordered individual.
Now I was dealing with rage.
Now I was dealing with injustice.
Now I was dealing with the fact that someone had been a complete fraud to me.
Although it was life changing to understand what exactly I was going through, this revelation brought about a new siege of emotions from which I could not escape and this revelation only exacerbated the panic attacks tenfold.
Then this quote soaked in,
If someone doesn’t deserve your love then Say Goodbye but never say hello again ,, Pick the pieces up but never fix it ,, Forget but never regret ,, Feel the pain but never keep it ,, Move on but never move away.