Do We Really Heal After Covert Narcissistic Abuse?!
Yes, we do in time.
The experience of being involved with someone who is A Covert Abuser takes time to process.
We are subtly and unknowingly groomed, mind controlled and manipulated to fulfill the needs of A Covert Narcissist.
We have entered into a GAME that we didn’t know we were playing until it was almost too late.
This is why many of these relationships may last for a long time.
Dr. Jordan Peterson talks about how people can understand and eventually comprehend tragedy, but when someone we love and believe loved us acts with malevolence it is shocking and it causes trauma.
It seems unbelievable that it could be true.
This is why so many Victims of Covert Narcissists suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
It is nearly impossible at first to wrap our head around the fact that this person is deliberately calculating and playing mind games to cause us harm.
It is done in such a secretive and insidious way that it is nearly impossible to detect it at first.
The Covert Narcissist specialises in intermittent reinforcement after the idealisation phase.
There are unspoken “rules” that you will learn as time goes by.
This “trains” the victim to patiently wait for love, respect, attention and harmony in the relationship.
Victims will walk on egg shells and be obedient for a time not to cross the Covert Narcissist.
We have been programmed to understand that any slight “either real, perceived or inadvertent” will be punished.
In a romantic relationship with a Covert Narcissist, the Victim will be the recipient of triangulation, stonewalling, intermittent reinforcement, gas lighting and silent treatments when they stray from the “rules” of the Narcissist.
Any confrontation will be met with revenge and pay back.
The Victims will extend their efforts to calm the beast or begin to distance.
When the relationship is still in full force, the Covert Narcissist will slowly come around and temporarily “forgive” their Victims.
The Narcissist NEVER let anything go and can never be pleased as they are injustice collectors.
When confronted by the Victim, perhaps a rule will stop only to be followed by a new one that you are never informed about.
They will save their vindictiveness for the next time and there is ALWAYS a next time.
The Victim learns how to wait out the cycle until the day comes when they can no longer tolerate the abuse.
For a long time, the victim has cognitive dissonance caused by the dichotomies of the abuser.
They love the Abuser but they hate the game.
By the time the devaluation is in full motion, the victim does not realise that the Covert Narcissist has already sought other targets to play the game, all while managing down our expectations and dosing us with breadcrumbs.
We will eventually realise as time will prove that his ship has sailed.
The Covert Narcissist “just as most Narcissists and Psychopaths” will play the GAME and keep up the CHARADE for as long as they can.
The addicting relationship can go on and on until and ONLY UNTIL the victim snaps out of the trance.
It is often a slow, disheartening realisation that there is only one solution, which is to STOP PLAYING.
Incorporate self care.
Join a support group.
Live in your truth and trust your judgement.
Stand up for yourself.
Find your self worth again, it is there and waiting patiently to return.
When my Narcissist left me I wondered if I would ever heal.
Until I finally realised that he never really loved me or even cared about me.
I have felt it all but I wanted to desperately believe his excuses so I did.
I stayed in this rollercoaster for quite sometime by choice because I didn’t want to leave him.
Even after I discovered his lies and his horrible personality, I was still hoping that I might be wrong and that maybe I misjudged him.
After the discard I spent sometime dreaming and rehearsing the moment that he will come back regretting all what he did and apologise, until I had to wake myself up from the illusion of him.
I have learnt to smile and laugh again.
I had to retrain my thoughts to be positive and to not think of the past.
For me to start healing I had to accept the fact that the man I once loved never really existed.
Then the healing process began.