Do You Still Love The Narcissist?
For a long time I thought I did.
After I went no contact, I felt for the longest time that my Narcissist was the true love of my life.
I felt that he was sick but in his own way he really did love me.
But with more time and distance, I started to realise that what I had once thought was passion was in reality nothing more than the addictive drama the Narcissist created to hold on to me.
I thought I loved him so much but if I had stayed with him I wouldn’t have everything I wanted either.
What I wanted from him was basic relationship needs that I would never get.
I think it is really hard to understand what real love can and should be after a relationship with a Narcissist.
Real love doesn’t look like it does on TV or in the movies and it doesn’t feel like what you thought was love with the Narcissist.
It is comfortable.
It is kindness.
It is happiness.
The Narcissist never loved me.
He wanted to control me.
He wanted to play mind games and see how much he could get away with.
What I thought I fell in love with was nothing more than trickery, none of it was real, none of it was kind and none of it was true happiness because even in times when I thought i was happy there was always panic in the back of my mind waiting for the explosion to happen.
But I can honestly say that I have gotten to the point in my day to day life where I don’t think of him anymore.
If I do, it is with mild annoyance not hate, not love and not care.
It will take time for those feelings to go away.
It will take lots of honest self reflection.
I don’t think anyone want to think that they were lied to for so long and what they believed in wasn’t true because it made me feel incredibly stupid.
But again, with enough self reflection I came to realise that I was not to blame for anything I experienced.
I was slowly able to realise that he never actually loved me.
I was slowly able to realise that I no longer love who I thought he was and I don’t even hate him.
I have the best revenge I could have ever gotten.
I am happy without him.
Sometimes I feel that I still do love him but not in the pure of heart way that I previously did.
I once loved him with all of my heart and wanted only his happiness and peace.
I thought I beheld a vulnerable child, a delightful, funny, creative soul who held an atavistic connection to earth and the cosmos that is missing in most urban and technological beings.
I shared that with him or maybe that was one of the things he wanted from me.
Maybe he never had that at all.
What kind of a Man Who meets strangers for dirty and unprotected sex?
What kind of person lies and cheats, beats and terrorises his partner and pins his evil behaviour on her?
Not the Man I loved.
There is still a place in my heart where the Man I loved resides.
Sometimes I go and sit in that place and mourn that Man’s loss.
It’s not true he never existed because his existence in my heart is a proof he did.
I wonder from time to time if that was my own soul I glimpsed with such exquisite clarity, my own soul he was reflecting back to me.
Or if his soul is just like mine, the soul he lost contact with long before I met him.