Does It Really Get Better After The Narcissist?
A definite YES!
You are not going to feel it right away and for some it will take an extended period of time depending on few factors such as length of the relationship, whether children and finances are involved, whether a strict no contact policy was installed and adhered to, the presence of a good support system as well as the target’s determination to recover and move on from this.
Frame of mind, an adequate sense of self worth and a clear understanding of what it means to have experienced being with A Narcissist plays a significant role in one’s recovery as well.
Almost immediately after he discarded me I began to feel a sense of relief despite being absolutely devastated.
I mean that first month was unspeakably gruelling.
For the first two weeks I had what I call breakup brain and couldn’t even manage to pull myself together enough to cook myself a meal.
I couldn’t eat for weeks.
I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t even think straight.
I was so confused by what happened because I had never experienced anything like this before and didn’t know what Narcissist Personality Disorder really means.
You think your life is done, no future, game over and that you have lost your soulmate but I promise you that you have not.
The Narcissist is NOT your soulmate.
He is a counterfeit soulmate who uses the narcissistic tricks of the trade to bait and hook you for the express purpose of demolishing you later on but I promise you that you will eventually realise that your life is not over.
My life improved in ways that I’m still discovering and one of these things is an incredible sense of peace.
I had no idea how edgy and stressed out I was until it was over and I began to get over him.
It’s like a total body tension is uncoiling after a year of uncertainty, mixed emotions, self doubt, suspicion, confusion and constant underlying worry.
Am I completely over it?
No but I’m getting there and I’m more centred now than I was even before we meet.
The love bombing phase is essentially brainwashing and now we have to deprogram ourselves.
I still get these little pangs of emotion especially when I get mentally assaulted by a good memory every now and then but I’m so close to being totally over the entire situation and here is how I got to this point.
• Write your story in as much detail as you can.
Sharing your story and getting feedback is tremendously helpful because you will find how many of your experiences are mirrored in the experiences of others.
It’s incredibly liberating and validating to know that you are not alone in this and writing it all down is a catharsis.
If I hadn’t share my story online, I might not have moved on from this as quickly as I have because I wouldn’t have been approached by the person who contacted me, shared her near indentical experience and suggested that I consider the possibility of a personality disorder being at play here.
• Create a BAD list.
I mean get super petty about this thing from the abuses you suffered to the tiniest things he did to annoy you or you just thought were unattractive.
Psychologists strongly suggest that while it’s ok to acknowledge the good experiences, it is imperative that you focus on the bad things if recovery is your ultimate goal and this is especially true after being with A Narcissist.
Remember that you are deprogramming yourself and you need to override the good memories with the bad ones.
This will prevent you from idealising The Narcissist and accelerate recovery.
• Study everything you can about personality disorders.
Intellectually devour the subject.
I spent almost every waking moment studying Narcissist Personality Disorder and other personality disorders for the first two months after the discard.
I could write my dissertation on it at this point.
Allow yourself to embrace each of the stages of grief including anger ,, Vent!
And do it often until it is out of your system.
Do NOT smother or stifle feelings of anger and resentment by trying to take the high road.
That is actually counterproductive and you don’t want any of these emotions sneaking up on you later.
Embrace it, experience it and then release it.
• Implement and adhere to strict no contact.
And this includes checking their social media.
I promised myself that I would never check his social media and I‘m proud to say that I have kept that promise and am determined never to break it.
His life is not my business anymore and my life isn’t any of his.
I didn’t do this at first and I always thought of blocking as a juvenile behaviour but it is absolutely necessary after being with A Narcissist because he will use any crack in your resolve to slither back into your life especially once you are over him and have regained your composure and sense of self.
If he can see how much you have improved, he is going to want a piece of it or attempt to destroy it.
Don’t even give him the opportunity to see it or even try.
Narcissists are delusional and will twist anything they see around to fit their narrative by any means necessary.
If you are happy then you are just faking it.
If you are sad then it’s because you can’t get over him.
This is considered thought fuel and it can still serve The Narcissist by giving him the high he craves.
Though not as potent but it’s still better than nothing.
The best thing to do when it comes to no contact and A Narcissistic is to not let him see anything at all.
There is nothing worse than being blocked out and ignored even if you are not disordered so imagine how it must feel to someone whose very existence and sense of self is reliant on the attention of others?
No contact is like chemotherapy after cancer surgery.
You want to make sure it doesn’t come back.
Trying to manage The Narcissist in any way is a waste of your time and effort.
Why waste your time with someone who diminishes the quality of your life when you can spend your time with someone who enriches it?
• Meet new people and reconnect with old friends.
I reconnected with friends and met new people as well and it has been really helpful.
• Get therapy.
If you are unable to adhere to the no contact rule and allowing yourself to be hoovered then I think it’s time to consider professional help.
There’s no shame in it.
Remember who you were before you meet The Narcissist and how he tried to dismantled your very being.
You were self confident, intelligent, vivacious, sexy, talented, funny and totally lovable when this person hooked his claws into you.
That is why he did it but guess what?
You are STILL all that and he can’t take that away from you.
I’m better than ever and definitely happier because I’m wiser for the experience.
I discovered that what I thought I wanted in a partner isn’t what I actually need.
I had to let go of that silly school girl idea of what romance is supposed to be and start thinking like a rational adult.
That Hollywood stuff isn’t real love.
Real love is hard work, sacrifice, loyalty and commitment none of which A Narcissist is capable of.
This experience triggered self discovery and I’m thankful for that but I’m also incredibly grateful that this person is out of my life.
My sense of well being has returned now that he is gone and I feel peace that I have never felt before and that is priceless.
It is a feeling far more rewarding than any magic A Narcissistic romance can offer.
Getting over A Narcissist is something you have to fight for but once you do, all of your values and personal resources will go back to full volume and may even exceed earlier levels.
You have to play an active role in your recovery determined to get over this person and move on.
• Your life + your terms = your happiness.
The Narcissist is not your destiny.
He is your learning experience and it was never his intention to care for you or your happiness.
Fight for your recovery every single day so that you can eventually open yourself up to the possibility of finding true, everlasting love and genuine happiness instead of the illusion of it!