Hang In There!!
My dear friend I want to tell you that I know exactly what you are going through.
You fell in love with this person.
You began to love him, to become attached in spite of all his flaws and the differences between you.
That is just what we do when we fall in love.
Then you found out that the man you fell in love with was a piece of fiction, a romance novel that abruptly ended up with the hero disappearing without a proper explanation or farewell.
It is hard to reconcile the way he initially presented himself with who he really is, because the two men are nothing alike.
It is ok to cry if you feel like it.
If you don’t, this grief will stay in your system even longer and you have to get it out.
Coping with the wonderful memories is more challenging because you have to go back and rewrite them in your mind, render them innocuous and meaningless.
Because, in fact they were and this was the hardest part for me, you and all of us.
I think that the person he showed me in the beginning was the child he once was, and that was quite lovely.
Maybe there will come a day when I can look back and smile but I don’t hold out much hope for that.
It is impossible to believe that I ever wanted to be with him, gladly compromise for him, take care of him in times of trouble and support him no matter what.
But I did, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
It takes a lot of time for reality to catch up with you after an entanglement such as this one, but one day you will get there and I promise you that.
Now you are about to hit the anger stage and it is going to hit you really hard.
You are going to experience anger on a level you probably never felt before.
It comes in waves and it’s incredibly difficult to release.
You have already accepted the loss and you are in the process of grieving but unfortunately now you are going to start to realise that he is a heartless fake evil man.
That anger is going to last a long time and you will cycle through it.
You will go days feeling sorrow and loss for him and then what seems like out of the blue you will be completely consumed with anger with no apparent reason why.
Also the first steps of the process A Narcissist uses to hook you are the most difficult things to accept and overcome.
During the love bombing stage he made you feel bigger than life, he put you on a pedestal.
How could someone that made you feel so good hurt you so bad ?
The mirroring stage and the twining stage for the Narcissist is the most effective and quite frankly the most evil.
That’s where you realise he isn’t who you thought he was and that is because he mirrored you.
So basically you fell in love with yourself. That’s why the loss and the grief is so deep and difficult .
You feel like you are losing a part of yourself and that is because his fake persona was based on all your good traits, all the things he wanted to be and couldn’t so he stole yours.
That’s why a trauma bond is so effective and difficult to break.
So let’s look at this from a different angle.
As you grieve you are going to become angry for multiple different reasons.
There will be many and it will seem like an eternity but I promise you it gets better.
First and foremost you are hurting, you are dying inside!
Because A Narcissist can’t feel empathy, he doesn’t care that you are hurting, much less that he caused it.
He probably seems to enjoy it.
Be very aware you can’t love without the ability to feel empathy, it’s just not possible so he never did love you, he can’t truly love anyone.
Secondly you were there for him probably unconditionally for even the most minor situations he went through and now he’s completely absent and cold.
It’s not fair how can he do this?
But more importantly you will need to forgive yourself because you believed him.
You thought he loved you and would be there for you and support you and it was all a lie and you fell for it!
You must forgive yourself for this.
It is by far the hardest thing to do.
How to start healing will come down to self care, self-love and time.
Educating yourself helps immensely.
Life is going to get much better for you and then life becomes awesome.
Just remember there are a lot of people out there that are emotionally open and make great partners and can enhance your life.
They are out there I promise I know that for a fact because I found one.
And once you know what you are looking for it becomes very easy.
I remember everything as if it happened yesterday.
The feeling of having lost my self identity for the first time in my life because I gave it all away, my entire life to be with him.
I never thought it was possible and surely never thought that it would or could happen to me.
I always had a strong personality even if it was flawed.
Then I was cycled through, he sucked me dry to my soul since everything else wasn’t enough.
Broken like I never thought possible.
Since I have been resurrected somewhat like a rough reproduction of myself but I barely recognise myself.
I don’t know if it’s permanent.
Sometimes I’m afraid I have become heartless.
I think in time I will feel again but now I’m just numb.
Things don’t affect me like they used to.
I can’t link events for instance if I’m doing something I would have considered fun before I stopped getting excited.
I can’t imagine the future moment.
I noticed this when I was with him.
I have a hard spot inside and I don’t feel love for anything the way I used to.
It’s like I have had to mute out my entire self to survive the pain of it all.
I feel like the living dead sometimes.
Looking at everyone else wondering if I will ever really come back and not to feel the shame of it all.
Maybe that’s coming off a year of him doing everything he can just to destroy me and to destroy everything that meant something to me.
A year I had to fight with all my will and at times I really felt like giving up because I couldn’t take it anymore but I never did.
I have an anger inside that I thought I would overcome and a strength now that I have never had because I just don’t care anymore.
I’m not the nice, delicate and sensitive person I used to be.
Some days are easy some aren’t but I am doing it and despite it all I have come a very long way and that’s all what matters right now.
So hang in there and the sun will definitely rise again.