He Put Me Through Hell And I Called It Love.
They say a person can only pretend to be someone they are not for so long.
A person’s true colors usually show within six months.
I had never experienced the feeling I felt with him before nor had I ever trusted someone wholeheartedly from the beginning.
I looked in the eyes of this man and felt safe without a shadow of doubt.
Little did I know that it would all soon be crashing down.
He was only able to hold up the potential of the pretend man that he made me fall in love with for about six weeks.
With no warning at all everything changed.
Lies started becoming an everyday thing, communication was absent from him, the compassionate person I had fallen in love with was gone and the only person he truly cared about was himself.
Then the lies began.
Manipulation became his favourite hobby,
along with degrading, disrespect and abuse.
I still remember the first time I caught him lying.
Disbelief, confusion, pain and anger filled every part of my heart.
And that was just the first time of many.
This was the man that I wanted to plan a future with.
This was the man that promised to always love me and protect me from anybody or anything that would hurt me.
But the real question is who was going to protect me from him?
I kept hoping that one day the man I fell in love with would come back.
In the back of my mind however I knew that he never would.
It wasn’t possible because the man I had fallen in love with was nothing more than a figure of imagination that he himself wanted to be and not the man he really was.
His habit of lying, cheating, manipulation and abuse got worse and worse and as it got worse he would just pour on the promises to change and apologise.
My self esteem, dignity, confidence and health was at all time low.
Insecure became the main word I would use to describe myself.
It was also the word he would throw at me in arguments in attempt to put the blame of his toxic behaviour on me.
I looked in the mirror and no longer recognised the woman I had become.
My smile no longer lit up the room and the appearance of exhaustion was so obvious.
How could you destroy someone who’s only intention was to love you?
How could you treat me the way you did if you love me?
Then FINALLY one day I just realised.
He didn’t love me, I just wanted to believe that he did.
Honestly he probably doesn’t know how to love another human being other than himself.
Selfish and Narcissistic is what he is.
I decided that I no longer want to fight against his demons for a love that was never there.
I made the best decision I have ever made in my life when I walked away from him.
Now when I walk into a room it lights up.
I look in the mirror and I see strength and confidence.
I’m proud of the woman that I have become because after all I survived HELL.