He Was Never Meant To Stay!
I never wanted you to go but somehow I no longer wanted you to stay either.
I had broken weeks before our actual ending.
I had already mourned the lost dreams we breathed and learnt to do life without you.
Not because I wanted to but because you gave me no other choice.
When days stretch into months and we realise we have lost our support system, something different begins to take root within our hearts even if it’s something we had never expected to blossom there.
I won’t pretend that at times I didn’t thrash around resisting reality’s hard edges, questioning everything and ultimately wondering how we went from the highs of love to the lows of heartbreak.
I won’t say that I didn’t struggle at one point because I wished things were still a certain way or because I was unable to understand where that love went, the love that grew like pink roses along the back roads in August.
But I began to breathe, to accept and to understand that in these moments where love is lost we break but only because we believe that this love is still meant to be there.
Yet the truth is that if it was, if this person I loved so dearly was meant to be next to me, he would be.
And it’s ok that he is not.
All I can do is stop crying over the one who left because he was never meant to stay, he was only meant to help me grow.
In the time apart I have wondered if we were always destined by the grave hands of fate to part ways after our lessons had been learnt, after we had been ripped apart and rebuilt into better selves.
Maybe we are all traveling a temporary path where we are only visiting each other’s lives, making memories and creating smiles so that we can leave each other better than when we found each other.
And if that’s the case then there is nothing to do but smile and be grateful for your presence and wave goodbye as you walk away.
We can choose to process heartbreak as a lesson learnt in which we lovingly and respectfully part ways once our part in the story has been completed because sometimes what we thought was the whole book turns out to only be one chapter.
While not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever, the only thing greater than the tragedy of a lost love is trying to hold onto someone when what we need to do is simply release him into the winds of the universe.
And we have to find peace with that and with understanding that sometimes it’s better to just walk away than to figure out how to hold on to the feelings and dreams that one of us no longer wants to carry.
While many relationships seem to have an expiration date before it even begin, sometimes we experience connections where it feels like we have traveled lifetimes just to get to this moment.
So when these relationships hit speed bumps or one partner pulls a disappearing act, we reach out and grab on tight because we are just not ready for it to end.
We hang on even if it’s just to the memories and resist letting go because we can’t understand how a love that felt so right suddenly went so terribly wrong.
We could question for years and still never come up with an answer because the reality is that when a story is over.
Sometimes there is no warnings and no happy endings ,, it just simply ends.
In those moments we struggle the most because when we spoke forever and we meant it, when I said I love you while looking deeply into his eyes I meant it.
But sometimes staying becomes more difficult than leaving because we haven’t yet slayed all our demons or grown to understand who we truly are and so we choose to leave.
And we cry rivers of tears while wrapped up in front of burning fires or standing in hot steamy showers afraid we will collapse to the floor.
We cry as we are driving, listening to the songs and perhaps we even cry as our pink nails type out a story on a keyboard we never thought we would write.
But at some point if we have actually done all of the work that we have spoken of.
If we have really reached a certain level of awareness and consciousness then the only thing left to do is smile with gratitude for the memories.
Breathe deep and accept that everything is as it should be in this moment.
At times it may seem like a forever love is the stuff of urban legends.
A tale we tell ourselves after spending too many lonely nights watching the moon.
But I believe it does exist.
We just have to make space in our lives for what is meant to be by letting go of everything that wasn’t.
Because when it comes to relationships, if it’s meant to be it will be and we will never have to beg to get it.
All we can do is trust the flow of life.
Trust what each new day brings and try to approach it as our best selves.
We can love and let go simultaneously.
We can grieve and move on..
We can remember and accept the reality of now.
Because underneath even the deepest heartbreak is the reality that once we stop crying over the one who was truly never meant to stay, we can make room for the one who will.