How Did I Find My Own Closure?!

The amazing thing was uncovering the extent of his lies.

It was truly mind blowing to learn what I already suspected, I didn’t know him at all.

Every detail about him was a lie.
Absolutely crazy stories about his life that was complete fabrications.

I knew I would never get honesty or closure from him but it no longer mattered.

After Narcissistic Abuse you have to forgive and let go in order to rebuild your life.

Speaking to someone who had a similar experience literally lifted the weight of the world off my shoulders.

It removed all of the guilt I felt from being convinced that I had sabotaged the relationship.

He left as if I never existed and this is when I realised that I won’t be getting any closure from him

After all how can I seek closure from someone who was never emotionally invested in me to begin with?

He never cared about my feelings or considered how his actions will affect me because he doesn’t have empathy.

I found my closure within myself.
It was a one-sided relationship because his part in it was only a charade, so one sided closure was the only closure I would hope to find.

He never actually cared so there was nothing for him to reconcile nor resolve with me.

I had to reconcile myself for having had deep emotions for such a shallow person.

I resolved my own pathology that led me to accept his ill-treatment.

My gut told me that something was wrong so I had to figure out why I gladly chose not to trust my gut instincts.

I accepted the apology that I will never receive because any sort of apology from him would be insincere, a lie or a beginning of another game.

I acknowledged culpability for choosing to love him and for choosing to stay when it felt wrong.

I went no contact for self-preservation.
I have taken enough hits from him and I didn’t need to take anymore.

I focused on self-care and my own needs with the same level of devotion of which I cared for him.

I gave my heart to a heartless cruel man.
There’s no getting back of what he took from me.
There’s no undoing of his betrayal.

The best I could do was to focus on myself so I don’t fall for another heartless man again.

He gained my trust without earning it.
I chose to trust someone who was obviously fake, dishonest, unfaithful and untrustworthy.

The one-sided love story was all about him.
Was all about what I could give him and what I could do for him.

It was about his needs, his secrets and his secret agendas.

Everything I felt, said and did was about him however everything he felt, said and did was never about me.

When he left the charade was over for him so everything at this moment was about me.

Seeking closure was for me.
My closure had nothing to do with him.

I realised that in order to achieve the serenity we call closure I didn’t need to focus on him but rather focus on why I did what I did for a person who is pathologically self-centred.

I found myself only when I stopped trying to understand others and instead I tried to understand myself.

I just wish I had the presence of mind to do that sooner.

2 Comments

  • Everything comes with time.. So does understandings of the-self 😊… but I would love to know one thing Aya.. Aren’t this All just *Assumptions* about him.. while the reality of his sides is still unknown to you?

    • Unfortunately it’s not just assumptions believe me I wish it was. I was taught that all blame must be evidenced based and all of mine to him have been as such.

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