How To Break The Trauma Bond.
In short by adopting a completely different mindset and doing a lot of work.
First Challenge ,, getting over him.
People think that getting over A Narcissist is all about getting over the heartbreak and trauma bond.
This is only half of the equation, an important one nevertheless.
Some tips to get this first half achieved.
• Understand that you were in love with a charade only and he didn’t really exist.
• Understand that the person you were with was actually a very toxic and dangerous con artist.
• Self validate that he was indeed A Narcissist by systematically comparing his behaviour with the red flags of Narcissism.
• Give up any hope of ever getting validation from friends or family.
No one who has never been a victim of it will ever get it so instead seek comfort, support and validation with other victims or from a therapist who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse recovery.
• Let go completely of the dreams that you might have had about the future with that person.
Sadly these were all totally unfeasible fantasies.
• Learn as much as possible about Narcissism to make the above points sink in.
• Forgive yourself for what you perceive may have been your fault.
Narcissists are, after all, extremely talented and believable con artists and even professionals get fooled.
You were targeted for some very admirable qualities in you and you were only trying to fix vulnerabilities in him.
Much though you may have tried, the unfortunate reality is that Narcissists can never be fixed.
• Protect yourself from any further abuse by making yourself stronger.
• Get plenty of exercise, ideally in the fresh air.
Set yourself goals regarding your physical health and surround yourself with positive people who boost you.
• Surround yourself with triggers that remind you of happier times Pre Narcissist, listen to the music you liked beforehand, hang pictures of happier memories and eat food reminiscent of your prior life.
Second Challenge ,, finding you.
The second part is much more difficult and important.
Whilst getting over The Narcissist is the obvious test but rebuilding yourself is the real challenge.
It is extremely difficult for victims and more so for their supporters to either understand the effect of the abuse during the devaluation phase or the enormity of the task ahead to rebuild.
Few people get that it is not overcoming a person that is the real issue, it is coming to terms with losing yourself in the entire process and facing up to the reality of having to pick up pieces shattered into a million piece.
Consider what has happened during the devaluation phase.
• Isolated from friends and family.
• Little or no appreciation or praise.
• Constantly undermined.
• Your confidence systematically eroded.
• Abused in many ways possible.
Some tips and tricks to help rebuild you.
• Establish a physical refuge to buy you time that is free of as many pressures as possible.
Invariably this will mean downsizing and possibly even moving area completely.
• Surround yourself with a different crowd of people who are fun to be around and who will build you up.
• Do things that make you feel good about yourself.
• Work on your physical appearance to be the best physical embodiment of yourself, this will boost your self esteem dramatically.
• Work on your mindset towards The Narcissist. By rights you should hate him and wish to seek revenge.
But this is a wrong mindset, not only will it mean that he takes up mental bandwidth but he will also derive Narcissistic Supply from anything you do in this respect.
Your aim is to neither love nor hate The Narcissist and to banish him from you mind completely.
Replace love and hate with pity.
Because although he may well have destroyed your life, you can get away from him.
His toxic alter ego and his real self follows him everywhere he goes destroying everything about his life sooner or later.
• Hold on to the belief that you will get over this, you will learn some amazing life lessons, you will learn a lot about yourself, you will develop a very difficult relationship with yourself and you will emerge stronger, wiser, better and more attractive than before.
• Don’t give up but instead be patient with yourself and remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day, you have a lot of healing to do and it’s a phase that should not be rushed.
• Keep yourself grounded with the full understanding of the two halves of this challenge.
This setback doesn’t define you, it was a wrong turn and that’s all.
First step is to remove yourself and everything about that Narcissist and the second is to rebuild yourself.
Take all of that negativity from the first half and turn it around to be a force of good for the second.
• Never ever give up.