How To Find Closure When It Is Not Given To Us?!
Closure doesn’t always happen.
Some people disappear without any notice and leave conversations unfinished.
We fight to see them again so we can vent, there are words we need to get off our chests, problems we want to address and solutions we wish to discuss.
We spend sleepless nights trying to understand what that person might be thinking or feeling.
But solace doesn’t necessarily come to us when we need it the most.
And when that happens the only solution we are left with is to resolve the issue alone.
We can’t force closure.
We can’t push people to talk.
And maybe because there are still a few situations in my life in which I haven’t received closure, I recognised how important it is to find it for myself.
People change and we can never really know what pushed them to change or to leave.
So how can we resolve an issue or find closure on our own when we feel like it should be solved with the other person?
First, we need to figure out what closure means to us.
To me, closure is a feeling of comfort that overwhelms my chest.
It gives me the chance to move forward and carve a new path.
It is akin to closing an old chapter and being ready for a new one.
Closure doesn’t always mean the end of whatever exists between two individuals whether family, friends or lovers.
A whole new beginning may start with the person involved but closure gives a new direction to the situation.
We can choose to start a new journey together or go our separate ways but closure brings forth more certainty and less confusion.
Next, we must understand why we are keen to get closure.
Once we solve this dilemma we can figure out how to get it from within.
To learn why we crave closure we need to understand our minds, which don’t naturally like to keep things suspended in the unknown.
We like to know the outcome of situations and delve into certainty.
This is why moving past situations we don’t quite comprehend becomes a challenge.
It can feel impossible to make a decision to move on when we don’t fully understand what happened or when we believe someone owes us an apology or an explanation.
As humans, answers matter to us so much that it’s absence can keep us stuck for years.
And time keeps us stuck even longer.
We live in a psychological mindset defined by past, present and future.
We need closure in order to move on from the past and exist solely in the present.
Closure satisfies a mind that needs reassurance, validation, explanation and a concrete version of time.
So if closure is based in the mind then we can only find it by dealing with our own minds.
Knowing this we start to take responsibility for our thoughts because the solution is there.
Being responsible for our thinking patterns requires not going back mentally to the situation that is causing us anxiety or uncertainty and repeating it.
While we commonly do so for the sake of finding an answer, the fact is that the more we analyse a situation the less we may understand it.
And understanding the other person is even more challenging.
So we need to stop ourselves from revisiting the past.
Instead of thinking about what might have happened, we need to recognise that all things in life comes to an end and not all are meant to be resolved.
If our relationship ended then it was never meant to be ours.
Nothing you or the other person could have done to change the outcome.
We also need to understand that closure doesn’t come by blaming the other person.
Maybe he didn’t want to hurt you or he struggled with vulnerability or maybe he was too weak to face you.
We all have issues but some of us don’t know how to resolve it.
Instead of focusing on what died, create space for what is about to grow.
Life is a cycle of birth and death.
When something ends something else is about to be born.
We must learn from the troubles in our lives and shift the focus towards the lessons in store.
Instead of sectioning our lives into past, present and future, we should focus on the moment that exists now.
By focusing on my own thoughts I have proven to myself more than once that real closure comes from within.
We can’t change people or wait for them to come back but we can certainly change our perception of the issues that are causing us pain.