I Don’t Hate You And I Won’t.
Hate is such a strong word.
Sometimes I don’t think we realise the weight of it or what it means, how it detaches us from the people around us or how we become disconnected and afraid.
When we say we hate something or someone we say it with such fierceness, such boldness, such resentment and emotion.
We are so willing to pull ourselves from things that used to matter to us and used to mean something.
We are so quick to close off.
We are so prone to looking at the negative.
And sometimes we get so wrapped up in being angry that we lose ourselves.
Hate is such a strong word.
It is too strong of a word.
To hate is to treat that person with spite, to fill your heart with sourness, to live a life that is bitter and angry.
And with you I can’t do that.
I can’t hate you.
I can’t look at you and despise the person you were or the person you are.
I can’t frown at the decisions you made.
I can’t treat you like you don’t mean a thing because that would be lying and I don’t want to be both spiteful and a liar.
I don’t hate you and I can’t.
Hate would be giving you too much of my emotion and too much credit.
You have messed with my head.
Played with my heart.
Taught me some good lessons in trust and brokenness but there’s no need to hang that over your head.
What matters is how I pushed through.
What matters is the ground I’m standing on.
What matters is who I have become because of you in spite of you and without you.
And I’m proud of that person so there’s no reason to hate you.
Hating you would do me no good.
You were a person I gave my love to.
You were a person I trusted.
You were a person I leaned on.
Maybe things have changed but that doesn’t mean that I need to lead a life of anger.
I don’t need to hate you just because the world tells me that I should.
I don’ t need to transform into an awful person by spitting out harsh words just to put you in your place.
I won’t let myself be hardened by hate. Maybe I’m too soft but I’d rather be soft big hearted person than a bitter one.
And sure I could hate the way you changed.
I could hate the way you made me feel.
I could hate how things happened and how I lost you but I couldn’t hate you.
Hating you means living a negative life.
It means holding on to what I don’t need to hold onto anymore.
Hating you means living in the past and I’m done looking in the rearview.
So listen this isn’t a love letter.
This isn’t me begging for you back or sobbing like a child as I stare at pictures of you and message you sent.
This isn’t me wanting you in my life or holding onto you with both hands.
We have had our moments, you broke my heart and the time has passed.
I remember the beautiful moments and I smile when I do.
But I have let go that’s why I can’t hate you.
Because hating you would mean I’m still clinging on to you and still angry at you.
Still giving you my time and emotions and I can’t do that anymore.
You meant something to me.
You mean something to me still.
I don’t hate you and I won’t.
Now you are just a person of my past who I loved but that person died.
And I have to leave you behind.