I Have Saved Myself!
I’m sure you all have heard stories about people who changed emotionally after they got hurt.
About people who became guarded and more careful.
About people who stopped believing in love and who became scared of love.
I’m sure you have heard stories about people who became heartless after they had their hearts broken.
Who built walls around themselves and who became shielded after someone they used to love tore them down completely.
I’m sure you have heard stories about people who became unavailable for others after certain people broke them to pieces.
Well, if you have then you know everything about me because I‘m one of those people.
I‘m one of those who loved the wrong man with all her heart.
I’m someone who gave him everything I had and thought he deserved me.
I’m someone who put the effort into something that had no future and I’m someone who was ready to sacrifice herself for this man’s sake.
I’m also someone who got hurt.
I’m someone who was taken for granted and whose vulnerabilities and love were used against her.
And when things ended with this man, I changed drastically.
I stopped believing in people and I thought everyone’s only intention was to hurt me and to break my heart.
I started thinking that all men were the same and I wasn’t even ready to give anyone a chance because I thought I would just end up heartbroken again.
I was ready to do whatever it took to stop that from happening.
I put my guard up and I built thick emotional walls around my heart, which were strong enough to keep all intruders out.
I have become emotionally damaged.
I have probably missed out on meeting some extraordinary people and it is possible that I have failed to let in an amazing man who deserved to have a chance.
And you might say that there is nothing good about this but the truth is that although I have become unavailable for others to love me, I have also guarded myself from any possible emotional pain.
I have become unavailable for anyone else to hurt me.
I have prevented my heart from getting broken again.
I have saved myself from any potential tears and disappointments.
I have saved myself from wasting my time and energy on someone who isn’t worthy of me.
I have saved myself from getting my hopes up and planning a future with someone who has been manipulating me all along and from falling in love with a liar.
I have saved myself from being emotionally abused, from being cheated on and from being humiliated.
I have saved myself from being blamed for everything and from someone telling me that I’m not worthy of his love or attention.
I have saved myself from being taken advantage of, from being led on and from being taken for granted.
I have saved myself from wondering why a man whom I love so much can never love me enough and why he can never be mine.
I have saved myself from hours and hours of staring at a blank phone screen, waiting for him to call me.
I have saved myself numerous sleepless nights and endless tears.
I have saved myself from questioning my worth and wondering why I was never enough.
I have saved myself from asking if there was something more I could have done to make the man I love love me more.
I don’t know if that was the best thing I could have done.
I don’t know if I could have chosen another way to deal with my abandonment trauma and with my heartbreak.
But what I do know is that it was the only thing I knew how to do.
I saw this way as the only way to help me heal and it somehow did.