I Lost Myself To A Merciless Predator ,, I Lost Myself To You SY ..
Have you ever loved a man so strongly, immensely and naively that you thought you were so lucky to find your happily ever after? ,,, I did.
Has it ever happened to you that you loved the wrong man and strongly believed that he is the right one?,,, It did to me.
I never saw Evil because I used to find it so difficult to believe that Evil people actually exist.
I couldn’t imagine anyone to be deceiving with no conscience, to hurt with no remorse, to spin outrageous fabrications to ruin someone’s reputation or pretend he is spiritually committed yet has no fear of God before his eyes.
Life would be easy if the Devil came as he is often portrayed with horns and a pitchfork.
But when the Devil came to me he was cloaked in beauty and in sheeps clothing.
After him things kept slipping through my fingers.
After him happiness was something I just heard stories of.
Sadness came to me in Waves.
Memories would just take turns and I’d be overwhelmed by the emotions they’d bring along.
For a long time I wondered if I would be able to grasp the meaning of my life again.
I wondered if I would ever get back to normal or if I will ever be capable of loving again.
God knows it felt that love was hundreds of miles away from me.
God knows I had almost given up.
I wasn’t always like this.
I was happy and always grateful for what I had.
I enjoyed life, smiled and laughed every day and I used to go to sleep full of enthusiasm for the new day.
But Loving a Narcissist changed me.
I wasn’t half the person I used to be after he was done with me.
The same enthusiasm I had before we got together in the morning now turned into a fear of getting out of bed.
My Happiness was replaced by Anxiety.
For a long time I was ashamed of the person I had become but mostly I was ashamed for allowing him to get the best of me.
I should have known better but I trusted him.
He made me trust him.
He did everything to convince me that he’s got my back and that he’s my person.
He made me feel like I could count on him and that he would do anything for me.
He made me trust him just so he could betray me.
He made me feel safe.
For a little while, I felt like I could call him for a rescue mission and he would come at any time of the day.
For a little while I thought he was my safe haven but he was far from that.
He made me feel safe just so I would let my guards down.
Once I let my guards down his mission was accomplished because I was absolutely unprotected from his attack.
The attack I never saw coming.
I loved him more than anyone could have ever loved him.
I allowed a man who had a history of broken relationships to be a part of my life.
I gave my heart and soul to a man who had no idea what love is.
I loved him with every cell in my body and I gave him my love unconditionally, irrevocably, selflessly and completely lost myself to him.
He taught me that a Narcissist can never love because it is just not in his system.
Love is just an abstract word that he will never feel.
I lost myself to a man who was incapable of love.
I always believed in Love.
I believed humans were created from two bodies and one soul and that I had found my other soul, my other half in him.
But he wasn’t my Soulmate.
He was somebody who got the best of me.
He was somebody who fed on my misery.
He was somebody who needed to destroy me so he could feel good about himself.
And I let him do that to me because I was blinded and naive.
I romanticised my suffering and I made myself believe that I was fighting for Love.
But I was just falling for a Narcissist.
I lost myself to a Heartless Narcissist.
I stopped believing I’m worthy and that I deserve to be loved.
I lost my confidence.
I lost my self worth.
I allowed his selfishness to win and to be all about him.
I made him blame me for everything and I was manipulated by him.
None of this was consensual and yet it happened.
I lost myself But I managed to find it again.
I went through hell for him.
I was the best version of myself.
I gave all in and I held nothing back.
I wish I could say I didn’t get anything out of it but that’s not how the story ended.
I got a whole new life lesson out of it.
I might have been broken for sometime but I wasn’t going to allow myself to be broken for the rest of my life.
I couldn’t let him win so I picked myself up and started sewing my ripped pieces together.
I mended every hole in my heart and patched every hole in my soul.
I had my head held high.
He made me feel that I wasn’t worthy of love and it took me a while until I realised that I’m more than enough.
It was him who didn’t deserve to be Loved.