I Loved You Enough To Hate You Now.
I fell to my knees upon hearing it’s over?
It’s like everything I had come to know was just a lie.
I thought back to every moment and how quickly the joyful memories replayed in my mind with a bitter taste of regret and sorrow.
I begged, bargained and pleaded for you to stay but I knew very well that once someone had made up his mind to leave, the sad truth is he has probably decided that a while ago.
I sped down the highway with tears making my vision blurry and a cell phone in one hand.
It’s over ,, I said to my friend on the other line.
Just saying those two words sent me into a whirlwind of emotions and hysteria.
I was in a state of disbelief, denial really.
How could something so perfect end so badly and why?
I hate you for how it ended.
I hate you for the person you made me become in your absence.
I became someone I didn’t recognise.
I became someone who was weak, sad and desperate.
Everywhere I looked I saw you.
You were in every picture frame.
You were everywhere yet nowhere to be found and your memory haunting me in the cruelest way.
I looked in the mirror with bloodshot eyes and makeup that ran black down my face.
Your role in my life wasn’t just someone I loved but someone I needed to be happy.
I think that’s what I hated the most, thinking I needed someone to be happy.
I stared at the ceiling not blinking.
It’s funny how loud silence can be.
It’s funny how it can consume you.
The promises of forever and never walking away became just another tale of fiction in my life.
Messages of good morning beautiful were all a thing from the past.
I was crying so hard that I actually thought I was gonna throw up from it.
It was because the pain and heartbreak panged much louder.
I hated that you changed me like that.
It’s reaching for anything to get me through the day or night.
It redefined what I thought rock bottom would be like.
It’s scrolling through my phone watching as your life went on and feeling like mine had been put on freeze.
I hated that it didn’t hurt you and here I am taking every blow.
I hated feeling like a prisoner in a place that used to be like home.
But really I knew the only reason I could hate you at such an extreme was because I loved you so deeply and you didn’t deserve to be Loved.