I Miss The Person I Thought You To Be!!
I have never struggled so hard to put my thoughts into words.
Some of this needs to be said while some maybe better left unsaid.
This will probably come out unorganised, maybe even in-cohesive but here goes nothing.
Our ending was like our beginning quick and painful.
Quick as in, fast.
Everything just moved way too fast.
Painful as in, it was physically and emotionally painful recognising the red flags and deciding to pursue you anyway.
Painful as in, consciously ignoring my intuition in favour of my heart.
Painful as in, watching our spark fizzle out with every text that went unanswered, every conversation you avoided having and every day that passed you didn’t ask me to be a part of.
I want to believe that deep down you care about how things ended but I’m not going to humour myself with the possibility of that so I can only apologise for my part in it.
I’m sorry I loved you with all of my heart and soul.
I deserved to be treated better and if you weren’t going to do it, I had to step up and do it myself.
You always told me you wanted me to be the best version of myself so please understand that I can only do that without you.
I think of you often but I know you know that. You know it’s hard for me to let things go.
You know it’s hard for me to walk away from a problem or a person without a definite resolution.
You know not being able to express what I’m feeling openly and honestly makes me anxious, frustrated and restless.
I have been all of those things lately.
I know you know that.
I miss you a lot, I miss the person I thought you were not the person you are.
The lesser of two evils is still an evil that’s why I can’t allow myself to ever trust you again.
I pray for you because I forgive you.
Someone wise once said true forgiveness is taking the time to pray for someone even if he’s the last person in the world who deserves another minute of your time.
You don’t deserve my time but you deserve my forgiveness.
I can’t hate you even when I tried I failed because my love to you was true, deep and honest.