I Was Once The Betrayed!
On a day like any other acid spilled all over my life.
And it wasn’t spilled accidentally or inadvertently.
You saw this moment on a shelf and amidst all of the options.
You chose this one.
You carried it down and dropped it in my heart.
You chose to dissolve us.
You did this.
But it is my burden, my problem and my issue.
My life once a relatively neat pile is now a mess.
It is my puzzle to solve.
The scattered pieces are for me to find and painstakingly glue back together one by one.
My bizarre feelings are for me to reconcile hating you, loving you, needing you and not wanting you.
Pieces that do not fit but I will need to somehow cram it together.
My present and my future devoured in one bite.
And my past is a loss that I didn’t think was possible.
Naively I considered the past was safe, untouchable and immutable.
One second the past was a permanent scroll locked up tight.
Finite and absolute but in an arbitrary click of the clock the scroll unraveled.
Each word, look and touch was once protected securely encapsulated within each of the minutes that we spent together.
You managed to break it all open and all of those moments and minutes have spilled out taking on new shapes and meanings.
My head is spinning with the impossible task of stuffing each one back into its capsule.
Deciding what was true.
what was a lie.
What was real.
What was an illusion.
Things a person can never really know.
I didn’t know that time could run backwards like this.
That a person could look back and see that everything was different,
That they were fooled,
That nothing was what it seemed.
Even the past is not safe from revision and destruction.
A person’s life can be undone and redone in one tiny lousy second.
We became something else that day.
I became less of a someone and more of a something.
A victim, a weakling, the unwanted and the betrayed.
You too became something cold, callous, a stranger and a betrayer.
Anger was useful for a time but it has overstayed settled in.
Found a home in my throat, on my back, on my shoulders and on my chest.
It has become a boulder and a burden that I carry.
A weight on my body and not yours.
This has nothing to do with you.
This boulder and this burden are mine.
Mine to take, to bear and to leave.
It is also mine to name.
I decide whether to call it a lesson, merely a memory or just some stupid shitty rock some liar gave me.
I will decide when to lay it down.
And when I do, it will not mean that this was ok.
It will mean that I’m moving forward and a person simply can’t get very far dragging around dead weight.
Eventually with each new click of the clock I will become less of a something and more of a someone.
Time can heal as well as hurt.
It can destroy and rebuild.
It can help and it can harm.
And as time slowly sheds this wounded skin I will start to see myself in the mirror again.
I will start to see you again as you really are including he part of you, the one part of many that betrayed me.
I was once the betrayed.
Eventually now it’s just me.