I Won’t Allow You To Take Anything From Me!!
I know why you are here.
You seem to be around quite a lot lately.
In fact, looking back, I can’t remember a time when you weren’t close by and ready to pop up at any moment to remind me of all the dark things hiding around corners.
You began as that voice warning me of monsters in the hallway and of being abandoned if I wasn’t a good little girl.
Now you come in different ways.
You stepped up when my heart was broken.
You said, ‘See, look what happens when you are not careful‘.
‘When you are not looking for all the things that can go wrong and making sure it doesn’t’.
So listen up woman, tune in loud and clear every single day and don’t ever stop.
You stepped up again in 2017 when my life took an unexpected turn.
My little life blueprint Look what happens!
You sneered, ‘See, you are not good enough for that life‘.
‘You are too silly and scatty and different and you definitely don’t do enough squats’.
Luckily Hope stepped in and whispered in my ear, ‘Check out this path over here‘.
There are a few rocks and branches to climb over but your legs are sturdy and stronger than you think.
And the beauty you will discover along the way just maybe worth the scramble.
Come on, I will be with you all the way.’
Love and Adventure came along too and kept me going.
Sometimes though you are still quite loud.
You block my vision and get in my way.
I keep tripping over you and you get stuck in my throat, crushing my voice.
I have things to say you know.
I suppose sometimes it maybe the wrong things.
I do know that you are here to keep me safe and truly, I thank you for that.
I‘m certain that there are times that you have saved me from pain, heartache and trouble.
But there are also times when I think you may have kept me from adventure, excitement and achievement.
I want you to always keep me safe and at times I will certainly rely on you for that.
But also, I want to ask you to let me be and feel safe and explore the world around.
I’m inviting Adventure, Love and Joy to help me pave my way.
I have a fire in my heart and a sparkle in my eyes and I won’t let it be dulled.
I’m sure that I will get myself into trouble at times, however I hope that it’s Intelligence, Empathy and Logic that guides me in those moments.
Fear, I ask you to be there only as my safety net.
As that niggle in the pit of my stomach that says, ‘This isn’t right, this isn’t for me, it’s time to go‘.
I will make sure I know that in those moments, I have a tribe to call on who will be there in a moment without Judgement or Shame.
It will be harder for me to do that and to allow myself to make my own mistakes with you constantly shadowing over me.
All I ask is that we establish some healthy boundaries, you and I.
I do want you along for the ride.
I would like you to be tucked in there next to my Moral Compass and my Sense of Reason.
However, I’m not going to let you lead.
I would like to allow Creativity, Love and Adventure a little more space to lead.
And so, Fear, these are our new rules and our boundaries.
These are going to help us figure out where your role in my life begins and ends.
Firstly, each time I say something, I’m not going to continually replay it in my mind afterwards, sifting through to check if there’s something in there that was somehow not ok.
I will assume that if it was not the right thing for that person in that moment then it will become apparent as it needs to.
And I will grow as a person.
Each time I get dressed rather than asking myself, ‘What will the people I see today think of how I look?’,
I will instead ask, ‘How do I feel right now?’
If I feel sexy, fun, comfy or most importantly if I feel like me then I will get on with my day and think nothing more of it.
Each time I get stuck in dark thoughts of what it would feel like to lose the people I love,
I will be reminded to treasure them.
To hold them tight and love them with every part of me.
I will ensure they know they are special and unique and cherished.
I will focus on ways that I can bring joy and happiness into their lives rather than keeping them from leaving me.
Each time I think of exploring a new place, I will research and do all I can to ensure a safe and happy journey.
However I will not allow your presence to stop me from going anywhere at all.
Adventure is tugging at my sleeve and I want to hear what it has to say without you slapping it away.
Fear, I will allow you to do your job and protect me but I’m tougher than you think and I need a little more room to move and to live.
Thank you for all that you have done but our arrangement will be changing from here.
You can come along but grab a seat in the back as I won’t allow you to take anything from me, not anymore.