Is It Possible To Stop Missing Him?!
It has been almost two years since the discard.
The So-called relationship was rocky from the start, he came to me as a freight train of charm, love, emotions and desire to be with me.
I was immediately enmeshed.
I fell for him in no time.
I thought he was the ONE.
At the beginning I was mesmerised by him and happy to have this charming gorgeous loyal and dedicated man in my life.
I also believed that he was the answer to all my questions and he certainly acted like that.
He gave me everything I needed to believe that I’m living in a dream come true.
But something was not right, I could feel it but could not verbalise it at the time.
I felt like I’m giving more than receiving and that everything turned around him.
I was controlled and whenever I tried to get the control back we ended up fighting.
Months after I discovered that he was a typical Somatic Narcissist and that I was a Codependent partner.
All of that what he represented turned out to be a lie, where he reflected all my love for him back to me only so that he can feel adored and validated.
Once I started questioning his true feelings, he bailed out because he didn’t have any.
Now I realise that I ignored all the red flags and allowed myself to do what most of Codependents do.
I sacrificed and adjusted my own needs and desires in order to preserve him in my life
All of this helped me heal and understand what happened and most of all, helped me to understand myself better.
I followed a strict rule of No Contact.
He tried several times to manipulate me into talking to him but I stayed away.
I spent weeks afterward feeling guilty for cutting all contacts but I knew I had to be stronger than that and that any contact with him would only serve as a validation tool for him and nothing for me.
However, even though I have a strict No Contact rule with him ,, I miss him.
I don’t miss The Narcissist but the image we both helped create.
My rational self knows that I fell in love with an image of A Perfect Man.
But there are parts of me that are so missing this image, craving him and longing for that him and sometimes it is unbearable.
I can’t shake it.
It pops up in my soul as this warm but creepy feeling that he belongs to me and that it was so good back then or “where is he now?
Intellectually I have gotten over him but somewhere deep down there is a kid inside of me yearning for him and I need to make it stop.
How do I still have those thoughts and feelings for someone who basically doesn’t exist and mostly doesn’t deserve any of it at all?
Then I accepted the fact that I my feelings won’t vanish in a year or two because my feelings were true, sincere and deep.