Is The Devalue Phase And The Hurt In Narcissistic Abuse Deliberate Or Unintentional?!
I would definitely say it is deliberate in most of the times.
It is a highly dysfunctional routine or habit of the Narcissist.
Most of the times, it is a routine that the Narcissist does with everyone they come across, in one way or another.
It can vary depending on if you are a spouse or an acquaintance.
The role determines the variance.
That said, there is the undeniable fact that this was probably learnt in early childhood.
This routine of love bombing, devaluation and discard is like second nature to the Narcissist.
That is all a person with Narcissist Personality Disorder does.
Maybe if a person is on the extreme end of Overt Narcissism or is a Malignant Narcissist.
Or if a person is a full blown Psychopath or Sociopath.
They completely lack empathy or actual caring about other people’s feelings.
They will never feel guilty for doing so.
However, it is more of the victim being collateral damage to the Narcissist.
During the devalue stage, you are in their way.
You are more of a nuisance and a bother to them.
They don’t have time to deal with your feelings, nor do they want to.
Is the Narcissist finding new supply during the devalue stage?
Most likely yes.
This is deliberate and this is how they function.
They are aware that they are neglecting you and searching out for a cultivating new supply.
Narcissists will sit and enjoy while getting extreme satisfaction from watching you suffer.
When that happens, they will not have an epiphany and think that they have made a mistake.
And too bad if you are on the receiving end of it.
If you only look at the victim in this and remove the Narcissist for a moment, the damage is done.
Whether or not they meant to do it or was it unintentionally done.
The Victim’s Abuse is real.
Because Narcissists don’t feel empathy for others.
It doesn’t affect them so it will not be a priority.
However, the victim has gone through an emotional hell, a vicious cycle of emotional abuse that is real and has lasting effects.
The problem for the victim boils down to: why doesn’t this person see what he has done?
You won’t get an answer from a Narcissist because the Narcissist is not capable of giving you one.
It can be intentional for some but most of the time, the victim is once again just a collateral damage.
You just happened to be hurt by their behaviour.
You happened to be the victim at the time because there have been many in the past and there will be plenty more to come.
So don’t expect an overwhelming remorse or an apology.
The hurt comes not by design, but by virtue of their manipulation being hurtful and abusive.
They are not thinking abou you, they are only thinking about themselves.
The essence of Narcissism is being self centred, self absorbed and self obsessed.
Malignant Narcissists are a different story.
They are still primarily focused on themselves, but they will deliberately hurt you in order to feel better about themselves.
A Narcissist who is not a Malignant Narcissist could also do that, but it would not be a primary focus, more of a “nice to have”.
To summarise, a Narcissist would willingly hurt you, but it could be incidental to their primary interest, which is themselves.
They are acting in a way to make themselves feel better.
If doing so will hurt you, so be it.