Why The Pain Seemed Impossible To Endure?!
I was a willing participant in all what happened.
I simply made the mistake of thinking that he was real.
He picked me up like a hawk.
But hawks are beautiful creatures and their behaviour is driven by survival rather than malice.
I suppose that is not the best comparison, so let me try again.
He picked me up like a predator with the keenest but most unnatural instincts, depending on my vulnerability.
A predator who preys for sport rather than survival.
I was unaware that he had been following me for a while just long enough to have honed in on my weaknesses and insecurities.
His study and analysis made his next move incredibly easy.
He knew every affirmation I was desperate to hear and from the moment he began circling, he said these affirmations daily, word for word.
You are the prettiest.
You are the kindest.
You are the cutest.
You are a blessing.
You are the most beautiful.
I am so lucky and blessed that you are so into me?
I was enamoured and completely swept off my feet.
In fact my swooning was so intense that my pupils were quickly replaced with sparkly dilated hearts.
He liked me and showered me with non stop attention.
We used to text for hours at night like teenagers but we didn’t have to hide under the covers with our emergency spare phones.
Thinking back at it I remember that there were actually small things that tugged at me.
He never waited for me when we were together.
If I would stop to take a picture or look at something and he would just keep walking.
He never opened doors.
The way he often talked about his success and generosity.
How he constantly dropped hints that other girls wanted him even some of his married friends.
something I chalked up to his age and simply showing off but of course I deliberately ignored it all.
Being with him felt Amazing and Euphoric.
This almost perfect man liked me right up until he didn’t!
Right up until I became heartbroken by a Narcissist.
Then like a flip of a faulty switch he blurted out that his feelings were misunderstood by me and this was all nothing but a Professional Relationship.
In a mad attempt to grasp how and why?
I was begging for an explanation as to how someone can go from 1,000 to -5 in few hours.
After few months of talking and texting our way through each and every day.
In my entire life nothing has left me more confused and reeling.
My days have been filled with feelings of self blame and doubt.
The man who liked me reached into my chest, pulled out my heart and meticulously repaired all what was broken.
Then without any warning he threw it with the speed of a professional pitcher.
While wearing the same grin that gained my trust he watched it slowly slide down the wall until it reached the ground more broken than before.
Now Content he walked away whistling.
I have always thought of myself as a sharp woman with a gut to match.
How did I allow this man to bait and love bomb then set me out on the curb just as the garbage truck pulled up?
My emotions at war a combination of Rage and Sadness.
Rage, because he spun the wheel, spotted the confused soul and said to himself You ,, I PICK YOU.
Sadness, because of how desperately I miss the happiness and euphoria I felt when we were together.
I should have known but now I do know.
I was merely a professional to fill his time and a boredom buster.
Nothing more and nothing less.
His appearance to the outside world means more to him than any of my feelings, my feelings he meticulously toyed with for months.
Despite reminding myself over and over that it was all an illusion and that I had fallen in love with a lie, I can’t help but feel stupid.
No one forced me into anything.
I simply made the mistake of thinking he was real.
The Silent Treatment and being Ostracised by someone who claimed to care so much is one of the cruelest things one can do to another human being.
It causes a level of hurt I can’t even describe.
Even more so when it is abrupt and without an explanation.
It turns your life upside down causing you to doubt everything you thought you knew about yourself.
I still miss him even love him sometimes.
The Rage and Sadness comes in waves some so powerful that I can’t breathe.
Narcissistic Individuals tend to project a haughty persona.
They do this whether they are the more Vulnerable or Grandiose type of Narcissist.
But whether the lofty image they put forth is an unconsciously constructed facade compensating for feelings of inadequacy or is rooted in a conscious but nearly delusional over assessment of their self worth.
Sometimes life circumstances can blow this image.
And when such a Narcissistic Injury occurs, the Meltdown that can happen in the Aftermath is never pretty.
Classical Psychology Paradigms teach that the two prime ways Narcissists handle insults to their self image are through Denial and Projection.
Denial being construed as the very primitive and unconscious ego defence mechanism by which folks block out of their conscious awareness what would be too anxiety evoking or emotionally painful to accept.
Projection being the nearly equally primitive ego defence mechanism by which folks attribute to other people, places, behaviours or feelings they find too anxiety evoking or emotionally painful to accept about themselves.
As disturbing as their behaviours are the frequent fallout is often even more disturbing.
Perhaps nothing is as frustrating as trying to get through to someone who simply won’t hear what you have to say.
You can use example after example or make point after point trying to get them to see something that seems as obvious as the sun in a day light but the Narcissist simply won’t concede.
When what you have to say challenges the Grandiose Image they have for themselves, they simply won’t give it any validity.
And this is not usually because they have so much anxiety or are in such conflict of conscience over matters that they simply can’t bear the truth.
Rather it is their defiant attitude towards anything but the truth as they insist on seeing it and their determination to maintain both the image they have constructed and the position of superiority they believe they deserve which motivates them to resist accepting what they actually know to be the real truth.
This is the difference between really being in the Psychological State of Denial as opposed to Engaging in Denial as a tactic of Impression Management, Image Maintenance and Responsibility Avoidance.
But sometimes the reality of circumstances and especially of someone’s failure becomes too patently self evident for a Narcissist to successfully deny.
And that is when things with them can get really dicey.
Narcissists will do almost anything to preserve their Grandiose Self Image.
So when circumstances make it too clear that they are not as great as they claim and also that it is folly to try and deny it, they will reliably blame everyone and anything else.
Depending on how serious a mess they made of things and how image shattering and depressing it would be to admit their shortcomings and failures.
When they vent their rage it can have profoundly serious consequences to those upon whom it is directed.