It’s All Thanks To You!
I have to say that the idea of getting over my Narcissist and the whole experience for me is somewhat of a myth.
I’m believe that I will never truly be over that experience.
That is not to say that I’m continuously linked to the past or that I still regard myself as a victim.
I’m perpetually distancing myself from that experience in every moment and I have shed my victim status.
I prefer living my life the way it is now, which has its roots in a serious regiment of recovery but now a regiment of proactivity in the upgrade of my life, separate of my recovery.
The life skills I have gained at times feels superhuman.
My intuition, my values and my inner strength are all on a very high level.
Having boundaries for myself and living within those boundaries are rooted in the lessons learnt from what I experienced at the hands of The Narcissist and only improving my life as a whole.
There is no way I will ever forget and I’m not so sure if I want to.
Saving my own life and finding the strength to survive, recover and heal is something I deeply cherish and the rewards reaped are evident and limitless.
As I look at him, I’m somewhat stuck between Irrelevance which I believe I have accomplished in my heart and mind.
Indifference which I don’t believe I can say that I feel convicted to 100% but I’m getting there.
When I’m no longer triggered to the point of ruminating upon that which can still sting from time to time then I will have grasped the Holy Grail of Indifference.
If it’s never to be I’m ok with that too.
I have acquired the skills to manage those triggers and I have confidence in it.
About forgiveness; there are two different thoughts; forgiving and not forgiving.
Both make perfect sense and I believe either action is completely up to the victim.
I tried to forgive him and I believe I have forgiven a great deal of his transgressions.
But I’m struggling to forgive some things and I have happily decided that I don’t need to forgive or remain unforgiving.
I don’t have to do anything about it at all and that is the best part of it.
I forgive to a point and not so much to other points and I’m ok with that too.
I look to him with pity and some sympathy.
I know it must be very hard to live his life and I belive that he will end up in a serious trouble if he doesn’t get help.
I don’t think anyone really cares about him including his family.
I have compassion and humanity enough to accept and forgive much as long as he remains distant.
Other things can’t be over looked and for those issue it is what it is.
When I look back I see him fading away and that is a huge victory.
I will always love him a little in my own way.
It was a strange, traumatic and shocking experience to get such an up close look at a human that is so fundamentally different from what I have known humans to be capable of.
Also it is shocking what he is not capable of.
He is responsible for some fundamental changes within myself such as;
• New Boundaries.
• Less Fears.
• New Triggers.
• New Motivations.
• Further fuelled passion for psychology and neuropsychology.
I see him in a totally different way now.
I know he is 50 but I don’t see him that way.
He has the analytical intellect of a 50 year old but he can’t harness it to any of his emotional workings in any way.
This man almost destroyed my life and I still worry if he experiences a loss by not feeling some of the things I do in my life.
Because I know that he has no idea how to feel the joy I did.
And something spoke to me throughout that ordeal telling me that something bothered him in the back of his mind.
I think his subconscious knew something.
I don’t know how much pain he has or had to deal with but I know that he will never be truly happy or truly loved.