Loneliness, Love And Humiliation!!
No matter how broken I became after the Narcissist, I still had a lot of love for him.
I know it was all fake but I also know that it was all real from my side.
It is extremely painful just to touch that thought.
How can a person like me be so deceived as to live in an alternate reality?
I just don’t get it and maybe I never will but I will always know that my love was real.
This man I had loved was like the waves of the ocean, loves the sharp rocks that shatter them.
Still, they fling themselves against the dark razor blade rocks over and over again desperately and incessantly.
An eternal, sad scene or maybe just inevitable.
A fact of life.
There is something horrible about being rejected by a Narcissist.
Rejection is always painful but with a Narcissist, it ripped me apart like nothing else I have experienced in this lifetime.
No other sorrow, not even Death seems so horrible, so gut wrenching and so painful.
The pain stabbed me like a hundred knives all over my body while I was paralysed and defenceless.
The betrayal spread like ice through my veins, freezing my blood and making me unable to move.
After all I have endured, after all I have suffered, after all my sacrifices and all the times I forgave him ,, suddenly HE doesn’t want ME?
It is unfathomable.
I always had a small secret hope that the Narcissist would come back, changed after seeing the light.
Because I still could not fathom that he had no soul.
After all he had put me through, he should be devastated, he should be on his knees, crying and asking for forgiveness.
But a bit of time had passed and it seemed like he had let me go.
My psychological conditioning kicked in when I found myself whispering “He was supposed to always want me“.
This was exactly fitting into the things Narcissists do, the managing down of my expectations.
He had apparently managed down my expectations to this point that he would gladly see me once in a while but he wouldn’t make any effort.
He must have trusted his psychological conditioning of me so much that he knew I would come running back to him.
Even for crumbs!
I was lonely so lonely that words can not explain it.
I felt I was in an isolated prison cell, without hope of ever being released.
I was on a desert island with no ships in sight.
Rejection eating away at my insides and loneliness gnawing my bones.
It seemed I wasn’t even worth the effort to him.
I have never been so broken and so hopeless.
Broken as I was there wasn’t even a choice.
I held onto this man like I was drowning, and I truly was.
But if you are drowning and being saved by a Narcissist will mean that your rescue hangs on a thin thread.
I started feeling worse and worse about myself.
My self confidence was at an all time low.
With a Narcissist you will always reach an all time low.
I must purge and cleanse my soul before I can feel whole again.
I discovered that he is even more hollow, more deceitful, and more evil than I could ever have imagined.
As so often with Narcissists, our knowledge about their cruelty comes in fragments and new pieces of information can surface even after some time.
And there are so many layers to their deception that each new layer shocks you in a way that you never thought possible, until that moment when a new little piece of Truth hits you like a sledge hammer.
So I am back from Hell once again and I must rebuild myself piece by piece.
But for being shattered I must say I am surprised at how well I’m holding myself together towards the outside world.
I continue to work and as always no one I meet in everyday’s life can guess how torn apart I truly am.
The sadness in my eyes no one guessed, well, no one tried.