Moving On Is Messy, Hard, Beautiful And Brave.
I thought I would be over it by now.
I thought that by now you would be nothing more than a distant memory, one that I could look back on with neutral acceptance.
I thought I would be “back in the game”, ready to meet someone new, fall in love and do it all over again.
But instead, I’m here, writing about you.
Instead, I’m spending nights reliving our moments and going over in my head how it all went so wrong.
I’m moving on but I didn’t realise that this is what moving on would be like.
Moving on is crying myself to sleep on a Friday night.
Moving on is going out with friends.
It’s laughing and retelling stories and connecting with people other than you.
It’s remembering my life before you.
Moving on is coming home, tipsy off one too many glasses of wine and wondering what you are doing.
Moving on is never getting closure.
Moving on is not understanding why he treated you that way.
Why you reacted so badly and why and how the whole thing fell apart so quickly.
Moving on is asking for space.
Moving on is wanting to keep talking anyway.
Moving on is remembering the day we met.
It’s seeing your face looking up at mine curious and friendly.
It’s remembering the first day we met.
It’s remembering how you texted me the next day saying that you haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long time.
It was me smiling and thinking but not saying the same.
Moving on is getting angry again for the nine hundred times and for all the things that went wrong.
It’s wanting you to feel my pain too.
It’s wanting you to feel my hurt over and over because maybe making you feel what I feel will help but it doesn’t.
Most of us don’t take these traumas and heartbreaks as lessons.
We automatically hate it.
We run like crazy.
We use all kinds of ways to escape, all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it.
We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.
Moving on is wanting to numb.
It’s wanting to not feel all the things that you made me feel and all the things that I feel now without you.
Moving on is remembering that there are people who love you, for who you are.
It’s remembering that if it was meant to work out it would have.
People come into our lives and go for a reason.
And even though they are apologising now for all that went wrong, they had ample opportunity to make it right when we were together.
Moving on is realising that you are looking at everything through rose-coloured glasses.
It’s realising that you tried so hard for a long time and that you left because it wasn’t working.
Moving on is realising that maybe you deserved to be treated just a little bit better.
It’s realising that you have learnt what you don’t want with someone.
It’s realising that you are great on your own and as a human being.
It’s realising that even if you are not ready now to move on ,, you will.
You will be ok again soon.
You have moved on before, remember?
And the pain was just as bad and even worse but you came out the other end alright.
You fell in love again.
And you will again and probably again.
Or maybe you won’t.
“In the midst of loneliness, in the midst of fear, in the middle of feeling misunderstood and rejected is the heartbeat of all things, the genuine heart of sadness.”
~ Pema Chödrön ~
Maybe moving on is spending time with yourself.
It’s remembering who you were before him.
It’s remembering that there was a reason someone fell in love with you in the first place.
It’s a falling in love with yourself again or maybe for the first time.
Moving on is moving into the space that now exists in your life.
It’s not running away from it but a steady and graceful dive into it, exploring it and embracing it.
Moving on is all of this, the messy, dark, sad, beautiful and brave moments that might just allow you to maybe soon move on.