Narcissists And The Discard.
The best way to describe the Discard Phase relating to my own experience is that it is ruthless and cunning, this brutal phase can drive someone to a Nervous Breakdown.
Executed with the intent of shocking you, it’s primary aim is to punish.
In addition, it’s the ultimate high for the Narcissist, when he is literally feeding off the incredible sense of power and control.
He now has two sources of supply ready.
• The Old Primary Source,
Is now beaten down by the discard and about to enter a phase of begging where she will leave all senses of dignity behind.
• The New Partner,
Doesn’t yet understand what machinations awaits her and instead has fallen head over heels for the Narcissist’s false image.
This golden period as it is called, will be hers to enjoy as she is showered with devotion and attention.
And as for the Discarded Partner?
She no longer holds any importance and is merely cast to the side, however he will still reach out in order to revisit the scene of the crime and to feed off how unhinged he suddenly is.
The basic thing to know about all Narcissists is that while they may have many gifts and talents, intelligence, wit, charm, business sense, forming and maintaining intimate relationships is not one of them.
Their relationships are very shallow no matter how much they profess to love you.
Many Narcissistic individuals are quite capable of assuring you that you are the love of their life and then suddenly leave you for someone else because they got angry or bored.
His desire to reconnect with you after the discard is equally shallow.
How he reacts to you ignoring his new overtures depends on his personality style.
Let me use a typical situation as an example.
Let’s assume you are a woman, have been dating a guy you like for a while, and then your Narcissist boyfriend very unkindly dumps you.
Now for reasons that you do not know, he has contacted you again and you have chosen not to respond.
This can go a few different ways depending on his personal style and way of relating to relationships.
Not all Narcissistic men are alike.
Here are a few of the common Narcissistic relationship styles that I have encountered.
• THE STALKER,
This person can’t bear to be discarded even if he walked out loudly declaring that you were worthless garbage who needed to lose ten pounds.
Once you ignore his attempts to reconnect, he forgets whatever he said before and instead fixates on getting your attention.
This can go two different ways depending on his personality,
1. His hunting instincts are aroused by the rejection and he feels the need to get you back because now he views you as a status enhancing trophy.
2. He is insulted by your rejection and now wants to viciously punish you.
• The Trophy Hunter,
Suddenly you are the one who got away and he wants you back.
He will begin courting you again.
He starts liking your Instagram posts, sends you cute texts, and suddenly remembers that your birthday is coming up and suggests the two of you celebrate with a drink in your favourite restaurant.
Or he casually mentions that he just happens to be in your neighbourhood and asks if he can drop by.
He will tell you he misses you terribly.
He may even say that he regrets how the two of you broke up and ask for a second chance to prove to you that he loves you and has learnt from his mistakes.
If you are flattered and naïve about Narcissists, you may think all of this is about how much he cares about you.
Nothing here is actually about you, not the bad things he did previously or the nice things he is doing now.
Everything is about him.
In the same way a deer hunter does not care which deer’s head he gets to mount on the wall, as long, as he enjoys the chase and outwits the deer, your guy sees you as a trophy that he can bag by regaining your attention again.
Once he has you, he will again lose interest in you and exit the relationship as he did before.
You are just another dead deer.
When he says, my dear he really means MY Deer.
• The Mean Guy,
This is the guy who can’t move on after you ignore his new overtures because he sees this as admitting that he lost and you won.
His shaky self-esteem can’t take the hit.
Your rejection makes him feel insignificant and to regain his sense of grandiose specialness, he needs to feel that he has obliterated your self-esteem.
He may leave nasty drunken phone messages in which he says everything that he can think of that may hurt you.
If the two of you have friends in common, he will say mean things about you behind your back.
He is not above lying to protect the image of himself.
He will also post multiple photos of himself with different beautiful women on his FaceBook page in the hopes that you will see it and die of envy and regret.
Many of these photos will be of women he does not know, but saw in a bar and grabbed them for a selfie in the hope that he could prove to you how desirable ALL women find him.
His pictures are as fake as he is.
The best thing to do is ignore him and eventually something or someone else will get his attention and distract him from you.
Since he is likely to enjoy confrontation more than you, if you say or do anything back in response to his provocations, he is likely to escalate the conflict even more.
Unless you are ready to press the nuclear button and go for all out war and have lots of weapons to use against him, you may want to sit this one out and wait till he loses interest in you again.
• THE GHOST,
Unlike Stalkers, A Ghost tend to dislike confrontation.
He is basically avoidant by nature.
This man probably originally left by simply disappearing from your life without telling you why.
He stopped calling and didn’t answer your texts.
You were left wondering what happened.
Now he has reappeared and you have no idea why he is back or why he left.
When you ignore a Ghost he usually goes away again.
He is likely to have a whole list of women that he has done exactly the same thing to.
As people are generally interchangeable to Narcissists and are valued mainly for the functions that they provide and not for themselves, your Ghost will likely go on and contact someone else on his list.
Ghosts rarely explain why they leave, but they are used to moving on and haunting someone else.
In summary, to predict the Narcissist’s Behaviour after you ignore his attempts to reconnect, you need to ask yourself which of the above categories best characterises him.
Of course, not every single person will fit into one of the above, but I find that these three basic styles are a good place to start: Is he a “Trophy Hunter,” A “Mean Guy,” or a “Ghost?”