Narcissist Love VS Unconditional Love.
Anyone with a giving persona and a desire to help others attracts Narcissists.
You give and they take.
It is a match made in Hell.
It is an utterly confusing dynamic not least because it is so surreal.
One of the keys to sanity is understanding that when it comes to love that Narcissists come from a completely different place.
You know how when you truly love someone whether it is a person or even a pet, you can get really angry at them yet despite the anger you still feel love for them?
That is Healthy Unconditional Love.
It is not something Narcissists are familiar with.
Healthy Unconditional Love requires a bonding beyond the surface appearance and behaviour of someone.
It is a Love that connects you from core to core,
You could say it is a soul based.
It is a love that goes beyond appearances.
This is not to say that there are no limits to what you will tolerate.
You might come to a point where the relationship no longer works yet on some level you continue to love the person despite his behaviour.
This is why letting go can be so hard.
There is a loving connection beyond behaviour and circumstances.
Narcissistic Love is more Superficial.
We love appliances as long as they do what they are supposed to do.
Who decides what they are supposed to do?
Similarly Narcissists decide what other people are supposed to do and when expectations are not fulfilled the scene can be a lot like someone is swearing at their computer for crashing.
It is not a love based on any core connection it is a love based on functionality.
The Lack of Deeper Connection.
Unconditional Love requires an awareness of a presence beyond appearances.
I imagine that for a Narcissist it would be like asking you to sit in front of your computer and connect to its soul.
You might laugh, you might shrug, you might blink but chances are you are not going to find anything to connect to.
Not everyone is able to see beyond the superficial image of others.
While doing so probably comes quite naturally to you it is important to realise that it is not natural to everyone.
The ability to see other people at a deeper level requires the ability to see ourselves at a deeper level.
For many reasons that deeper connection to self can be absent.
Due to a combination of severe trauma and a collection of beliefs that state facing the trauma will just make things worse someone can actually become completely cut off from their inner experiences.
It is a recipe for disconnection so to speak.
With such disconnection comes the inability to deeply connect to others.
On the receiving end this can feel like a frustrating experience of not being seen by the other and not being able to get through to him or really communicate with him.
You know those days when electrical appliances broke down and you entertain the hope that if you just do the right thing it will spring back to life?
That is the point when we tend to talk to our machines and say no don’t break down!
It is also the point where our Conditional Love is apparent.
Now extend that analogy to people and you will have a sense of an extremely Narcissistic World View.
Gradations of Narcissism.
Obviously there are Gradations of Narcissism.
A little bit of Narcissists being self centred is necessary.
I am not talking about the necessity to meet your own needs here.
I am talking about the Narcissistic Approach of treating people as a means to an end only.
If you are dealing with someone who loves you when you do things right and who stops loving you when you don’t, then you are dealing with a Narcissistic Love which really isn’t anything like an Unconditional Love at all.
Narcissistic Love in the workplace is a lot easier to figure out than it is in our personal relationships.
In the workplace a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder will treat you like his best friend when he wants something from you or when he somehow looks better due to being associated with you.
The next moment perhaps when you are working on a different project he will completely ignore you.
In our private lives Narcissistic Love is harder to spot because you might be on the positive receiving end much longer.
If your functionality includes a shoulder to cry on and a willingness to listen to a lot of venting then you might be kept in the appliances I love category for a very long time.
He Loves Me, he Loves Me Not.
Trying to understand Narcissist’s from the perspective of Unconditional Love is endlessly confusing.
It is a flower with an endless number of petals, he loves me, he loves me not.
Think back to a time when you were in love with someone and you were not sure whether that feeling was reciprocated.
It is Agonising, right?
Usually though that uncertainty wouldn’t last too long.
At some point you would get a yes or a no.
With a Narcissist you will never get the answer because it is not Unconditional Love to start out with anyway.
Whenever you behave the way he wants you to he will love you and when you don’t he will love you not.
Yet if you ask a Narcissist whether he loves someone he might say yes.
Translation, Yes I love this person like an appliance when she does what I want her to do.
The Desire to Fix the relationship
being on the receiving end of Narcissistic Love can make us feel like we need to try harder.
Yet at the same time it can make us feel that no matter how hard we try we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person which is true.
We can come to believe that somehow it is up to us to fix the relationship.
For someone who has blocked his heart to the point where he can’t connect to himself, superficial functional connections are all that is possible though.
It takes two to have a healthy relationship.
It is impossible to love someone who will not let himself be seen even to himself.
The mystery of that can be addictive though.
Again the idea of if I just try hard enough I will find a way to create an authentic connection can keep us tied up in a relationship that really only revolves around functionality, but like a quest for a holy grail holds the unspoken promise of one day it will become a connection of Unconditional Love.
For all practical purposes though this is like trying to deeply connect to an appliance.
Narcissists treat others like appliances because that is as far as their own level of awareness about themselves goes.
They are unavailable to us because in a deeper way they are unavailable to themselves.
We can’t have a truly loving relationship with a Narcissist no matter how hard we try because there is nothing to deeply connect to.
Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to his unavailable heart.
The Dream versus the Reality.
When it comes to loving A Narcissist all we can really do is to love a dream we have of him.
This dream can be so strong and beautiful that it becomes something that we come to superimpose on The True Narcissist.
Every little positive spark of something nice he said or did enforces the truth of that dream.
This keeps us at a seemingly safe distance from what is really happening.
The dream keeps the painful reality at bay.
However at some point it is necessary to see the dream for what it is and recognise that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist.
It is not anyone’s fault it is just that he has made himself completely unavailable to Unconditional Love.
If right now you are thinking that despite everything you do truly and deeply love A Narcissist.
Then ask yourself whether you have allowed yourself to feel any hate or anger towards him.
Due to all kinds of beliefs about how we are suppose to feel, our true feelings can become buried very deeply.
When it comes to dealing with Narcissists, however any feelings of anger and hate are extremely liberating and healing.
It can be a great relief to realise that there is nothing wrong with your psychic radar and that you didn’t know that this person is not a good person for you to spend time with!
You may just not have been able to face the reality of Narcissists before and therefore had to deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution.
What About Helping a Narcissist to Heal?
If you have ever tried to really help a Narcissist you know that the closer you get to the heart of the matter is the closer you get things blowing up in your face.
The Narcissist doesn’t want his issues to be solved, he much prefer to blame others for his problems.
No matter how good your solution may be, share it with a Narcissist and he will either find reasons why it doesn’t work or will suddenly come to the insight that the true problem lies elsewhere.
It is a Diversion Tactic.
Blame energises him and keeps him at arms length from his true issues.
Some people believe that sending and giving Unconditional Love will help but the thing is Narcissists don’t want Unconditional Love.
Unconditional Love requires openness and honesty.
It requires facing fears, feeling difficult emotions and being open to change.
In The Narcissist’s mind these are all awful things that must be avoided at all costs.
So when it comes to helping a Narcissist, every time it seems you are getting somewhere you are faced with a new impenetrable wall.
Face it that he wants to stay behind it.
It is not your fault that you can’t love or be loved by him, he was never available for real love in the first place.
The best thing to do is to let him be and move on.
If you can’t seem to move on then ask yourself what am I hoping to receive?
What do I still want from him?
Then consider asking yourself Did I ever receive this from him in the past?
If so, what did I need to do and to give up for that and Was it worth it?
If not, since the person in question is resistant to change what are the chances that our relationship will change in the way that I want it to?