Sometimes I Still Wonder Why We Fell Apart!!

Sometimes, I find myself rereading our last text messages.

Maybe it’s because I enjoy hurting myself or maybe it’s because there’s still a part of me that has no idea why the hell it happened.

And despite the fact that I‘m completely over you, there’s still a part of me that wonders how and why we fell apart.

One day we were happy, you were telling me that you were ready to tell me you loved me and a week later we were over.

Just like that, the deterioration happened so quickly.

I blinked and everything was different.
You were no longer the man I had been falling for ,, you were someone else.

Someone I didn’t know.

When I met you I had so many reservations.
You were my first mature love and I had a lot of hurt in my past.

I was terrified to open up and let you in and yet I did it.

Every step we took was quick, from the first minute right up until the last minute.

I was so scared that you would hurt me that I didn’t want to let my walls down.

But you told me I could trust you and foolishly I believed you.

I can only blame myself for that.
But you see, how was I supposed to know that you would do exactly what I was scared of.

Not only did you reject me but you threw my past in my face.

You begged me to open up and then you used that against me when I was at my weakest.

I will never be able to understand that.
Maybe that’s why I go back to the messages sometimes.

I don’t hate you anymore and I’m not even mad because I have completely moved on.

I’m happy now but there is still a piece of me that wonders.

I don’t wonder because I want you back.
I think I wonder because if I don’t know why it happened, how can I make sure it doesn’t happen again?

The week leading to our breakup was a roller coaster.

I didn’t know what was happening.
All of a sudden you were backing off and I didn’t understand where it was coming from.

I didn’t know if we were ok and you weren’t giving me clear signals.

You were still playing your games and then you decided to have a break.

I remember how nervous I was during that conversation.

I had no idea why you asked for a break and I was terrified.

A week later I figured out that this was your plan all along.

It felt like someone had knocked the air out of me.

You had been lying to me about how you felt trying to convince me that this was a special thing.

Meanwhile, you had been leading me on like you had no concerns.

Talking about a future and what that would look like.

I just stood there crying as my world shattered around me.

I couldn’t trust you anymore because you had lied to me about the things that mattered most.

I wanted to believe that this was just a bad dream.

But everything about that dream felt real.
I stood there crying but you were no where near by.

I just wanted that dream to end.
I wished more than anything that I was dreaming at that moment.

But no matter how hard I wished, it wasn’t changing, that was my reality.

I walked away that day and I went home crying.
I was broken, I was so hurt that I no longer knew what I was feeling.

I cried myself to sleep.
I just wanted to erase what had happened but the damage had been done.

I think that when I walked away from you that day deep down I knew it was the end because there was no coming back from that.

In those moments where I let myself revisit the past and try to figure it out, I run through these events that occurred trying to decipher them.

But there is no point because I will never understand what was going through your mind.

I will never understand how you could have been faking your feelings for weeks before you finally decided to destroy my world.

I will never understand how you could be selfish enough to not consider the consequences your actions would have on me.

Now I’m done trying to make sense of what you did.

I know that I will never be able to understand it because I could never do that to anyone.

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