That’s What Has Helped Me Heal And Feel Whole Again.
At the beginning of 2017 I felt I was dying.
The pain of having been discarded floored me.
Then just as I started to feel I could breathe again I found out about all his lies.
I was in shock and I still didn’t connect that I needed to heal.
The cognitive dissonance was very powerful and I battled with my own beliefs and thoughts.
So the real moment happened sometimes the fall of 2017 when I realised I have been in love with A Narcissist.
In essence, I have been groomed to swim upstream.
I had a terrible relationship with my father.
The pattern of destruction started with him.
He was duplicitous, deceptive, an adulterer, superficial, angry at home and nice in public, closed, fearful and lacked basic understanding of problems.
From an early age my father put me on a pedestal then later discarded me.
Most of my relationships with men have been patterned after my relationship with my father.
He abandoned me.
Then recently I began to notice that I still had a lot of fear and I was living outside myself.
I realised there was/is a limit to how much time I wish to spend talking about Narcissism.
I read that one can spend a lifetime learning about Narcissism and still not heal.
Understanding is important but healing is a very different thing.
My goal was to heal and thrive.
Then something has shifted in me.
I realised I need to work on myself and my earlier imprints to heal my inner wounds.
I have begun to accept that I’m a whole person on my own.
I don’t need validation from The Narcissist to be whole.
The Narcissist doesn’t control my self esteem even though he’s tried to destroy me.
Not only have I survived loving A Narcissist but I feel stronger than ever before because I have came to understand the real me because of him.
I have gone to a much deeper place.
I‘m way less reactive now.
I started focusing on me and my growth rather than learning more about Narcissism.
I have realised that knowing more about their games wasn’t going to help me heal.
I can’t change or control The Narcissist.
I want nothing to do with him.
I started out thinking it was about The Narcissist but it’s not ,, It’s about me.
It’s about my own life, my own wounds and my own healing.
It doesn’t mean I don’t want to learn more because I’m always open to learning.
I just didn’t like being always outside of myself reacting to others and what I can’t change.
I feel more at peace accepting myself and seeing that I was set up from childhood to attract and be attracted to Narcissists.
What has helped me most to heal is that I realised I can only change myself.
No matter what happens in the future The Narcissist won’t be controlling my life anymore.