The Courage I Needed And How I Finally Broke Free From Him.
It didn’t hit me all of a sudden.
I didn’t wake up one morning and think,
You know this doesn’t feel right.
The enormous realisation of my horrible reality didn’t hit me like a freight train.
It was somewhere inside me dormant the entire time.
For months I tried my best to deny what I already knew.
I left it forgotten in the dark corners of my brain and content on spending the rest of my life in misery.
At least in my suffering I knew I couldn’t fail.
I was scared of doing anything and afraid of the inevitable failure that I had.
Never in a million years would have thought that this could have happened to me.
Guess we aren’t really sure if we want to swim until we are thrown into deep waters.
For a long time I had no idea what was happening to me.
I knew in my heart that it felt wrong but he was so charming that he made me believe him.
He made me feel like the worst person on earth and that I should be grateful that he is talking to me.
Shortly after the first few months I found out he was not the man I thought him to be.
I received messages from strangers telling me how badly he talks about me.
When I confronted him he of course denied and became furious.
The worst part was that he made it seem to be my fault and accused me of being behind it all.
Whenever I ask him about it, he would say that he didn’t want to talk.
He would yell at me for asking and I would get upset that he yelled but then he apologises.
My sweet, fun loving and positive self became slowly engrossed in trying to keep me alive.
Every single action in my day was just to prove to him that I love him and that I deserve his love.
I lost the sense of who I am.
I was lost in depression.
After all this is how he wanted it.
I’m not sure why I held on for so long.
Maybe fear of embarrassment and wanting to prove everyone wrong.
That there is something good in him but no one else could see it.
On the outside everyone I knew hated him.
He was so mean to me in public trying to show everyone that I desperately want to be with him.
I probably acted out in ways I shouldn’t have.
Then I started to fight back.
It was in this moment of fighting back when I realised that the fire inside me wasn’t extinguished, it was just very low.
I missed the solitude and simplicity of my old life.
Days were passing in slow motion and I was missing him more in everyday.
I used to cry myself to sleep every night and if his name was mentioned in front of me tears start floating down nonstop.
Eventually I managed to sleep without having to cry my eyes out.
Eventually his name didn’t make me cry and I felt like being reborn.
I didn’t realise that I was being held captive in my own thoughts.
I thought that isolation was normal when in love but I was just a naive prisoner.
Everything and everyone that I cared for was about to be lost.
I never thought I would be here.
Growing up I knew that if a man ever treated me like this he would be out of my life without a second thought.
But you know what?
I was mistreated badly by him and I didn’t leave because I was brainwashed and manipulated into thinking it was somehow my fault.
I never thought I would be here but I am.
I am firmly standing on the other side of all what happened stronger than ever.
My heart is full of regret and loneliness but it’s also full of lessons learnt that made it more sensitive towards others.
For a while after all what happened I became scared of everything just like a scared deer in the woods.
I was afraid of my own emotions, constantly assuming I was unworthy of love and that everyone was trying to hurt me.
I had to remember that it is ok to feel that way and all what happened to me wasn’t my fault.
It wasn’t because I was weak in fact it made me see how strong I am.
Eventually I learnt to trust again but first I had to learn to trust myself.
My fire is growing and the light in the tunnel is getting brighter in each day.
For the first time in so long I am excited about experiencing life again.