I was asked about a piece of enlightenment that made me realise I fell for A Narcissist.
I’m going to try answer it as I have been staring at this question for a while and I’m hoping that attempting to answer will help with your healing process.
It wasn’t one thing although there was a chain of events that resulted in some standing in the middle of the room, heart pounding, brain both numb and all encompassing of what I realised to be the truth.
It hit like a ton of bricks and mentally knocked me out to the point I haven’t felt the same since.
I had already been researching looking for ways to fix things between us.
That sounds great in theory but I realise now that I had no control therefore I couldn’t change a thing.
He did have control .. He always had.
Not now .. Not entirely anyway.
I still talk about him from time to time
I write about it a lot.
Worry about what he will do next.
I certainly think about him sometimes.
I’m still shocked and coming to terms with all that he was and wasn’t.
Like everyone say it’s traumatic.
I still can’t find the words to describe how I feel.
It’s so interchangeable too.
The main feelings are disbelief and disgust.
I should have been enlightened back then as the signs were there.
Red flags as big as the biggest red flag.
But I can only accept and I do that I fell for the story.
The fairytale he painted and I wanted it so I bought into it.
It was expensive and had no real value but I didn’t want to know that.
He was my believe system.
I will never make the same mistake again.
I will always remember that there are those out there that are capable of this cruelty and that I need to be careful and set boundaries.
Look at people’s actions and pay less attention to words.
Vile creatures are amongst us and the more educated we are the less damage they can wield.
He is heartless.
There was no love because he is fundamentally devoid of constant love.
He doesn’t know what it feels like because he lacks object constancy.
It’s quite literally as if he is an emotionless robot just marching along in life.
It’s certainly on the top ten list of scariest things I have ever witnessed in my life.
Furthermore the utterly meaningless and contradicting words that spilled out of his mouth.
His words didn’t just contradict his actions but his words often contradicted his words.
I practically have two versions of every text message he ever sent.
Two extremes ,, he was all over the map and no where near paradise.
You will always have trouble in paradise if you are emotionally entangled to A Narcissist.
He will engulf you and he will consume you.
Not in a loving way!