The Great Discard!
Always remember that being chosen by a Narcissist is a huge backhanded compliment.
They don’t choose mean people.
They don’t choose selfish people.
They don’t choose cold and aloof people.
Narcissists always choose sweet, warm and caring people.
Giving, Selfless, Generous and Loving people.
Unfortunately, Codependent people.
They choose people who gives a lot but also needs a lot.
Codependents needs love because they don’t love themselves.
Needs approval because they are incapable of self approval.
Needs compliments because life has torn them down.
Needs vicarious self esteem, because they learnt how to loathe themselves.
Narcissist will give all of that for a while.
The relationship is a symbiotic give and take between two needy people.
The Narcissist needs to be coddled, praised, assured that he is always right and the rest of the world is out to get him because they are jealous of his superiority.
He craves validation of his victimhood.
The Codependent needs to feel the power inherent in the ability to fix the Narcissist’s fractured sad little world and to have all the answers for him.
Meanwhile, they revel in the compliments they are temporarily heaping upon them.
Narcissists makes us feel needed.
They dote on us as much as we dote on them ,, but it is only for a while.
It can’t last and you know why?
Because the Truth will come out, it always does.
The Great Discard might be triggered when the Narcissist find someone else to feed his ego.
But, let’s say the Great Discard started when the Narcissist did something wrong.
Upright, forthright, downright wrong.
For the first time, there is absolutely no way you can be on his side.
For the first time in your relationship you are not in his corner.
Or you may be physically unable to do, nearly everything for him because of an illness or an accident.
Or you may have come across the concept of codependence, grown a ball or two and a barbed wire topped boundary fence.
Or you may have stumbled across the topic of Narcissism and suddenly, you are onto him.
You may even have made the wonderful mistake of telling him, “You are a Narcissist!”
Whatever the cause, Hell hath no fury as a Narcissist is threatened by an alternative version of reality than his wrapped one.
And suddenly, you find yourself chucked on the ash heap of history along with yesterday’s newspaper and wilted cabbage leaves.
Shock! Utter complete, confusing, gut wrenching shock.
That is how the Great Discard feels at first.
No explanation is ever given.
There will never be any closure.
And That is the most painful part of being discarded.
The confusion mixed with the pain.
He said he loved me, but now he is threatening me.
He said he adored me, but now he is blackening my character to anyone who will listen.
He said he would die for me, but he won’t let me live in peace.
He said he adored me, I didn’t imagine it.
He said it.
Narcissists are logical, it is a twisted logic, but it is not impossible to follow.
A close cousin of logic is practicality.
Why keep someone around who doesn’t meet your needs anymore?
It is not logical and It is not practical.
Love doesn’t seem to enter into his decision making process.
I existed in his life to fill a need.
I played a role.
I had a purpose.
When I failed to meet that need and stopped playing that role I was discarded.
It is really rather simple.
But nothing gets you discarded on that ash heap faster, harder and more permanently than telling the Narcissist, “You are a Narcissist”.
The debate rages on if, how and when you should tell a Narcissist that he is a Narcissist.
Did They Ever Love Us?
I don’t know.
Like you, I struggle with this question every day.
I like to think that in some corner of their souls, Narcissists can love.
But the true life stories are not backing me up.
Still, hope spring is Eternal.
Oddly enough, I felt loved.
So how was I so easily discarded after I went “No Contact”?
Why were you so easily discarded?
1.We no longer meet any of their needs.
2.We no longer stroke their ego.
3.We no longer mop up their messes.
4.We told them when they were at fault.
5.We could no longer be brainwashed.
6.We called them out on their lies.
7.We set up boundaries on their prying.
8.We refused to let them abuse us anymore.
9.Worst of all, we told them they were Narcissists.
Must have been excruciatingly painful for them, triggering full scale Narcissistic collapse.
They don’t want us around any more.
We are a threat to their fragile ego with the power to completely destroy them with the truth we hold so dear.
Do they still love us?
Did they ever love us?
No one seems to know.
But I do know that his discard has given him just another scenario for playing the victim, sobbing on the shoulder of the poor sap of a codependent who now plays the role I used to play.
Value, devalue, discard.
What a ridiculous way to live!