The Heart Knows Better!!

Memories always seem to look better when I look back in time.

When it comes to him I don’t like to remember the fights or the nasty name calling.

I remember the butterflies and the stolen smiles.

I replay the sweet things he did over and over in my mind so I never forget it.

So what I end up doing is repressing the bad things.

I won’t allow myself to relive the nights I stayed up crying in bed wide awake at 3 am because I couldn’t stop thinking.

It hurts too much to think of him like that.
So I won’t.

Being head over heels in love with someone can do that to us.

He broke my heart and there was a lot of horrible things said and done but at one point there was love even though it was proven to be fake.

I blocked out the pain and before I realise it I became overwhelmed by this blind anger.

When I do think of him it’s all cruel hateful memories that I never actually want to remember.

Because behind those angry memories is pain and that pain comes from the fact that I really loved him.

Hate and anger allowed me to get over the pain of his betrayal.

But what I failed to realise is how connected hatred and love really are.

The only way I could really hate someone is to have loved him and giving him the power to destroy me.

So I stayed angry because it protected me from acknowledging how hurt I was.

But then the cycle of strangers to friends, lovers to enemies to strangers once more begins.

It’s in the stage of becoming strangers that I look back at the past, repress the pain, hold on to the good stuff and forget about all those horrible things he did.

I thought I might still love him even though we haven’t spoken in so long.

I tried not to hate him but the memory of how I so falsely perceived him from the past was tainting my future.

I wasn’t in love with him but the idea of him.
The idea of who he was in my memory.

The person I fell in love with never actually existed.

He is not who he once was or who I thought him to be and I’m definitely not the same person either.

I believe in second chances but I also believe that sometimes it doesn’t work out because it’s never meant to be.

I realised that we never had anything in common and it was all a lie from your side which is why you are dead to me now.

4 Comments

  • Thank you so much for your wonderful words ❤️❤️
    That’s the thing with the Narcissists, you feel the Abuse is similar even though it’s different stories and different people💔

  • You just put all my messy thoughts and emotions into coherent sentences. Once again, this hits right at home. It’s so strange and fascinating to me how everything you’ve described here has been experienced by me multitude times. I can relate to your thought process and I commend your ability to write so wonderfully. ♥️

  • I wonder how do they look themselves in the mirror💔

    • They don’t care about that ,, they don’t have a soul do you think they will care looking themselves in the mirror?!

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