The Heart Knows Better!!
Memories always seem to look better when I look back in time.
When it comes to him I don’t like to remember the fights or the nasty name calling.
I remember the butterflies and the stolen smiles.
I replay the sweet things he did over and over in my mind so I never forget it.
So what I end up doing is repressing the bad things.
I won’t allow myself to relive the nights I stayed up crying in bed wide awake at 3 am because I couldn’t stop thinking.
It hurts too much to think of him like that.
So I won’t.
Being head over heels in love with someone can do that to us.
He broke my heart and there was a lot of horrible things said and done but at one point there was love even though it was proven to be fake.
I blocked out the pain and before I realise it I became overwhelmed by this blind anger.
When I do think of him it’s all cruel hateful memories that I never actually want to remember.
Because behind those angry memories is pain and that pain comes from the fact that I really loved him.
Hate and anger allowed me to get over the pain of his betrayal.
But what I failed to realise is how connected hatred and love really are.
The only way I could really hate someone is to have loved him and giving him the power to destroy me.
So I stayed angry because it protected me from acknowledging how hurt I was.
But then the cycle of strangers to friends, lovers to enemies to strangers once more begins.
It’s in the stage of becoming strangers that I look back at the past, repress the pain, hold on to the good stuff and forget about all those horrible things he did.
I thought I might still love him even though we haven’t spoken in so long.
I tried not to hate him but the memory of how I so falsely perceived him from the past was tainting my future.
I wasn’t in love with him but the idea of him.
The idea of who he was in my memory.
The person I fell in love with never actually existed.
He is not who he once was or who I thought him to be and I’m definitely not the same person either.
I believe in second chances but I also believe that sometimes it doesn’t work out because it’s never meant to be.
I realised that we never had anything in common and it was all a lie from your side which is why you are dead to me now.