The Hole In My Heart That Was Never There Before!!
If you have been emotionally abused you will feel something is missing within you and that is your innocence.
When you try to retrieve that sense of wonder and fearless love and realise that it is gone forever it will break you.
The person that you loved intentionally amputated your belief in fairness, goodness and pure love so that the only thing left was obedience and dependence on his perverse imitation of love.
It is as if instead of saving us from an oncoming train, he pushed us in front of it.
Our trust in people has been reprogrammed to accept only the distorted belief of the Abuser otherwise we will be screamed at, ignored, punished, deceived and humiliated.
In order to prevent that we learnt to accept the lies, ignore the infidelities, serve the master in all his whims and stuff our feelings of horror down into our hearts for the sake of love.
There is a line in The Green Mile where Jon Coffey says: He killed them with their love.
This keeps resonating in all stories of Narcissistic Abuse as good people find themselves betrayed by their belief in someone who pretended to be their soulmate.
Somehow we must learn to live without those missing pieces.
It is a hole where love used to be and it needs to be refilled with that non objective and unconditional pure love that we had as a children.
The sense of wonder and open trust that made every day magical.
We have to breathe out hate and despair and breathe in awareness and understanding.
We will never be the same but by the grace of God we might be better.
For a quite long time I refused to believe that he is truly E and did what he did to me in intention to hurt me and destroy my life.
This was the reason why I kept trying to contact him because I was desperate to achieve some peaceful closure and keep a positive memory of him.
After he reported me at work for harassment trying to get me fired, I had a surge of very powerful emotionally charged memories coming to the surface.
All were positive memories of the great times when I used to think of him as the Love of my Life and the perfect Prince Charming.
I believe I suppressed these memories during The Devaluation and The Discard period.
I was sort of detaching myself from these memories probably because of all the Cognitive Dissonance.
It took some time for all these memories to flood to the surface.
I cried a lot because it was all very deep, very profound and very painful until there was no way of keeping these memories.
It was the time when I finally saw without any doubt that I loved an illusion and those were only my memories.
The memories of how I felt but NOT how he felt because there was never US but only ME.
I kept having some flashbacks for quite a while always bringing up this intense sadness and the feeling of missing something special.
I allowed all these flashbacks and memories to come to the surface and I reconciled with it until eventually all the sadness disappeared and the hole inside of me healed.
It was the massive shock of him reporting me at work that helped me to see beyond any doubt that he really was an enemy and somehow forced these memories out of my system.
The memories were like poison and I had to let go of this poison and get a new understanding of what really happened.
I do believe that this sense of loss of something vitally important has to do with the suppressed memories of the times when I felt that he was the one.
I used to be so sure about it and I had no doubt that he was the love of my life.
It is our subconscious attachment to these memories, to all the awesome great times and powerful feelings.
Once I realised that I started to realise that it is not the Narcissist that I miss it is the idea of the perfect relationship and of how I always wanted to feel.
It was never real with the Narcissist it was always an illusion.
He pretended to be that great man ,, A man of honour but he never was.
Then I stopped trying to push these flashbacks and memories away and simply allowed it to move through me but with a different understanding.
I knew that he was Evil,
I knew that it was all just a product of his disorder and his false self.
There is nothing wrong about me having felt that way but it was only me and never him.
In a sense he showed me what I want and what will I always look for in a relationship but in someone who has a heart and a conscious.
It is not him that I miss it is the fact that I will never be like I was before he took everything from me.
I was in love with the idea of what I thought he was and it is hard to break away from that feeling.