When he left I cursed the day we first met.
I’m not the type of person who has regrets and I always try to extract lessons from bad situations.
When we are too involved in a painful situation physically, emotionally and spiritually, it is difficult to discern the good outcome or the lesson learnt.
This was the situation I was in the day he left.
All I could remember was how toxic he was.
All I could recall were the women he slept with, our fights and my sleepless nights.
The thing is I knew deep down that I could eventually forgive him.
But it was me that I couldn’t forgive.
I couldn’t forgive my weakness and foolishness for lingering longer than I should have.
I regretted every yes I said, every ticket I booked and every sea I crossed to see him.
Just as the morning light doesn’t quickly brighten a room, we don’t learn the moral of a tough situation until we are ready.
When the sun comes up it slowly illuminates small sections of the room until it lights it up entirely.
Month after month my regrets have lessened and the good outcome started to surface.
When the room was finally fully bright I learnt an important lesson ,, no mud no lotus.
The lotus is a beautiful flower that grows only in the mud.
If there is no mud there is no probability for the flower to emerge.
I believe the growth of the lotus best describes my situation and who I have become after him.
I will never forget that everything beautiful emerges from something ugly.
The thing is toxic people don’t come with warning signs or disclaimers and if they did we wouldn’t be with them to begin with or else we would be Masochists.
However sometimes we enter healthy relationships that turns destructive.
What is more difficult than being with a toxic person is not knowing how to escape him.
Leaving a toxic person is painful especially if we are dealing with A Narcissist or A Dependent Manipulative Person.
The more damage they cause in our lives and ourselves the more we suffer the consequences and the harder the struggle is to rebuild ourselves again.
The worst part of leaving is the feelings of regret.
We wonder what would have happened if we avoided meeting that person or if we said no instead of yes.
We wonder how happy we would have been if we just left instead of giving endless chances thinking he will change.
What we are oblivious of during this painful period is that there is light somewhere making its way into the room.
Nevertheless we can’t see that light coming in because the feelings of pain and regret are so prominent.
The presence of pain in our system blocks our ability to sense any good vibrations developing just over the horizon.
Toxic relationships are agonising and we don’t plan for it or willingly get involved in it.
But if we ever find ourselves in one, we can take it as an opportunity to make way for the light to enter the room.
It is our chance to demonstrate our power, strength and ability to handle difficult situations and rise up again.
Just like the lotus needs the mud to grow, challenging situations in life are opportunities for our personal growth.
These tough situations are teaching moments to focus on how the lotus will transpire rather than focusing on how the mud will never vanish.
It took me years to transform the destructiveness of loving him into personal growth.
It required mental and emotional detachment and the courage to leave and move on.
When I look back on it today I can say that I’m proud of myself for doing what I did.
Pain is difficult to transform.
Through that relationship I now know how to manage a healthy relationship.
I now know what to stay and when to leave.
I can differentiate between tears of joy and tears of misery.
I know how to love another and myself at the same time.
I have learnt lessons on love, forgiveness, attachment, suffering and life of which I couldn’t have possibly learnt elsewhere.
If you ever find yourself with a toxic person know that a lesson is out there waiting for you once you make space for it.
The first step is leaving.
I became who I am today because of getting involved with A Text Book Narcissist.
Because if there was no mud there won’t be a lotus.