The One Thing We Must Talk About!!
If we look back at the time spent with The Narcissist, we will find out that the red flags were there from the very beginning.
It felt like a switch flipped in a second but high sight it was there all along.
We didn’t want to see or admit,
• That the love of our lives will be our worst enemy one day.
• That all through the love bombing he was secretly cheating.
• That some of our best friends became our worst enemies because we were lied to constantly.
• That these are constant repeating acts and it was done many times to others before us.
• That when we first met him we thanked God for giving us the man we prayed for but after a while we prayed to go back to the day before we meet him.
• That when we were finally separated after losing ourself esteem, our friends and our trust, we heard all we should have heard before falling for him.
I‘m certain you now know how The Narcissist started as charming, loving, full of energy.
How he made you live the illusion and you must have witnessed how fast that mask fell off.
I‘m sure you know about the love bombing, the silent treatment, flying monkeys, gaslighting, manipulation, mirroring and you are familiar with all those terms now.
I know you now think that you have finally got the last missing piece of the puzzle of abuse that you were desperately looking for all that time.
Our similar puzzle that took too much time and effort seems to be figured out by now.
We finally knew what was wrong with our so called partners and we came to understand that he was a troubled person with special traits for his disorder.
We found it and oh! how long that journey was!
But actually The Narcissist’s piece was not the final one because there is that one final piece that we ignore or see unnecessary to look for.
We claim that the picture is now clear without noticing what is missing ,, the missing piece is US.
When I look in the mirror I almost can’t recognise that person and I’m sure you feel or felt the same.
Sometimes she appears scarred, scared, wounded, broken, helpless and lonely.
Sometimes even a miserable prisoner of her own thoughts and pain.
Other times she is free, liberated, accepting her faults, choices and decisions that led her to where she is and she is willing to move on and live this new life she is now having.
Sometimes the glow in her eyes is for the tears that easily make its way down her face.
Sometimes that glow is for the hope that make those smiles cover up her face.
Sometimes guilt torments her.
Sometimes hope overwhelms her entire being.
Sometimes flashbacks appear past her eyes and the same old conversations and situations keep replaying over and over and she can’t make it stop.
Other times she is busy denying to live in the past and looking forward to the future.
What’s certain is that something has changed forever.
Definitely The trauma caused by The Narcissist left us lost in the middle of no where.
It feels like life has paused, time has stopped and after the whatever step we took to end it either by no contact, break up, divorce or whatever we finally chose to do to save what’s left of ourselves, we feel we are no longer ourselves.
We are no longer what we thought we were.
We haven’t achieved what we fought bravely and honourably for.
The project of our lives has failed and now we have to start over as if it is as simple as a flip of a switch.
Besides all the damage The Narcissist has caused us in many apsects, we lost ourselves, we failed ourselves and we brought ourselves down to our knees with our own free will.
Remember how too many times we chose to turn a desire down for him?
How too many times we made ourselves invisible, our needs unimportant, our wishes unapproved and just accepted all this to get turned down?
Remember how many countless times we chose him and his annoying unexplained behaviour over ourselves?
Remember how we chose to prioritise him over ourselves?
Remember how uncountable times words couldn’t find its way out of our mouth when it really needed to be said?
How many times we held and suppressed our anger when we had every reason to rage?
How many times our heart ached?
How many times that simple word WHY tortured us?
Remember how many times we chose to be selfless?
Remember how many times we felt neglected and ignored?
Remember how we struggled to feel just enough and to win tiny bits of appreciation and approval?
That is the one thing we don’t talk about when we are discussing Narcissism.
How we lost ourselves.
How we turned down everything, neglected and ignored ourselves in the process.
How much we allowed ourselves to get drained of our own human basic needs?
Why did we have that relationship?
What were our goals at the kick off?
Didn’t we need a shoulder to lean on?
Didn’t we need a heart to beat for us?
A warm hug to assure us?
Someone who sees the whole world in us and through us?
Someone to catch us up when we are down? Someone to have fun with?
Someone to hang out with?
Someone to have children with?
A lifetime partner for a lifetime relationship?
At times didn’t we feel the need to burst our anger?
To cry a river?
To laugh our hearts out?
Didn’t we need someone to be the superhero of our own story?
Didn’t we need a home and a shelter?
And we were denied all this.
And rather than that we were struggling and fighting for a smile, a word of appreciation ir even a kiss until we became invisible and unrecognisable even to ourselves.
We gave up our own rich fortune of love and trust very willingly.
Now this person in the mirror is someone new we need to explore and establish a brand new relationship with because the other one we used to see is no longer there.
Now despite the fact that it was all The Narcissist’s dirty work, we had our own very important role to get where we are.
We don’t need to torture ourselves anymore and I‘m not emphasising on how guilty each one of us was.
In fact it is not important to determine whose fault that was anymore.
We need no more answers or explanations BUT it is a very fine line that we need to draw.
We need to see how did this happen.
Why did we allow it to happen and never ever repeat that mistake again.
The damage done is terminal and irreversible.
We lost a piece of our heart that is never coming back.
That purity, innocence, unconditional giving, loving and trusting heart is no longer there.
The piece we lost in this experience altered too much inside and outside of us too.
Now we need to take our time and be patient before we start a new relationship.
For if we couldn’t heal properly, this lost piece will bring us The Narcissist’s ghost every now and then.
It will be haunting us, making us question ourselves at every step and may probably block us and hold us captive.
It can be like a curse.
But either way we are not the same anymore.
We have to heal, gain self confidence and self esteem and we have to take our time in the process.
Time and good will are going to give us that we just have to be patient.