The Only Reason Why?!!
They miss you just not in the way you want them to.
In Psychodynamic Theory, more or less, you learn that people with Narcissistic personalities are largely insecure due to how they have been taken care of as children.
Without getting too specific, we can gather that people with Narcissistic Tendencies often develop these tendencies defence mechanisms to protect themselves, as they didn’t feel protected or safe growing up with likely at least one caretaker who was either missing or basically doing a lousy job meeting the child’s emotional needs.
Narcissistic personalities tend to be most familiar with having developed an insecure attachment early on and then eventually progressing into an attachment disorder later on in life.
When The Narcissist push you away, and pull you back, it’s not so much he/she misses you, it’s their anxiety and fear of abandonment that is triggering them into this push and pull behaviour.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are Narcissistic, but more or less just a very insecure and self-centered person who has a predisposition to need to have their needs met before yours, while at the same time being indifferent to the cost or damage they may cause you.
Yes, they are selfish and self-centred for not taking into consideration how their behaviour may negatively affect you, but you have to remember, this is their default setting.
They have known this to be “how relationships are supposed to be” since they were very young.
It’s familiar to them.
It’s what they experienced.
Their pattern more or less is this: When they have you back, the anxiety subsides and the emotional part of the brain resets back to zero.
They feel secure again and know they are not going to be left alone forever so long as they have your external validation.
Side note: Notice how Narcissists place a huge importance on appearance, achievements, gaudy careers, fancy clothes, cars, social media and all things that gain them external validation.
This will last a short period where things are ok again, until they become either bored of you or anxious since you are getting too close to them, again which triggers the other side of their anxiety fear of being engulfed.
They wanted you back but not for real and definitely not for good, as again, we have gathered here that intimate relationships are not comfortable for them.
When you begin to get too close or too serious, they unconsciously begin devaluing you in their mind and eventually discard you.
You stop talking, silence returns, anxiety rises again during weeks of no contact.
They begin to long for you again.
They return, praising you, love-bombing you with affection, hoping they can lure you back into making them feel secure again, while falling back into their push and pull circus.
It’s important to see The Narcissist as someone with a pattern, someone who lives life in a constant state of unease and fear.
Patterns are very difficult to break.
Most people don’t in part, because they don’t realise they have them and they don’t care enough to change.
I’m not personally a big prescriber of psychodynamic theory as it’s not scientifically based enough, but in this realm of the theory I say realm because it covers many different areas more or less does capture the essence of why we have certain patterns and tend to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.