The Wound That Is Still Bleeding!!
The wound is an imbalance struck within my core sense of what is right and what is wrong.
It is a loss of innocence on a deeper and interpersonal level and compounded by the injustice of having to experience it.
It amounts to my moral compass being imbalanced by someone else’s absurdity, treachery and depravity.
To love someone who revealed himself to be so disordered and foreign to my mental scope of humanity brings with it a bewilderment that does dissolve but never seems to vanish.
Narcissists mess with our forces of nature and I can be a very stubborn person when it comes to accepting that someone got over on me to such depths.
I do take a genuine responsibility for enabling the abuse but that hardly gives my abuser an excuse.
I can make all the sense in the world and exercise all of the necessary coping and healing methods to thrive to my cerebral self but in my heart I‘m still healing that wound of injustice, imbalance and unexplained vengeance.
I‘m very grateful that I’m at this level of my healing journey where I can recognise what it is that I’m still struggling with.
And I can tell you that I don’t struggle with it nearly as desperately as I used to.
The emotional abuse is the worst kind of abuse.
I have a very hard time remembering that I‘m not as bad as he said I was.
All the lies he has told to prove his point of being right about everything.
He made me betray my own judgment so much that at times I wonder if I’m still looking at things the wrong way like I used to when I was with him even though I know I’m not.
Occasionally I start thinking about everything.
The amount of time we spent together.
The way it felt when he was near.
How happy I was having him in my life.
I start wondering if it really was all my fault.
These thoughts are becoming less and less and are being replaced by the memories of his extremely heartless treatment.
He ruined my faith in humanity especially when he started the smear campaign against me just to destroy me was beyond crucial.
The list of what he did and still doing goes on and on ,, only God knows when will he stop attacking me.