There Is So Much Unsaid Between Us!

Most days, you don’t exist in my world.
Most days, I‘m walking and breathing and focused on a million other things.

You are rarely ever the focus.
You are a footnote that I don’t even think of until I pass by someone with your name or a friend makes a pop culture reference I know you’d get.

I always find you in small pieces but never completely whole.

It’s a moment.
A suppressed memory.
A fleeting desire to text and see how you are.
But I don’t.

With you I remember how much it hurt.
I remember how hard it was to get back up off the floor and that I would have waited for you if I hadn’t.

With you I had to numb myself.
Or I would have collapsed.

We understood one another in the ways only someone who has dealt with overwhelming grief can.

There was a darkness inside you I could see and it didn’t scare me.

I felt it too.
When we spoke of our hopes and fears, I could see a way out of the bleak.

It would never be perfect.
It would never be the way it was before we learnt loss.

But I just knew, I just knew you and me, we could have been something.

In my truest moments when I don’t have the shield I crafted when you walked out my door, I think it’s still true.

This is what I say when I can’t fall asleep because the night I held myself alone on the cold floor still haunts me.

It wasn’t a clean break.
It wasn’t over when you left.
Life can be funny like that.
You weren’t fully out of my life the day you left.

You are still a name that hurts my stomach.
You are still a face I see and I think about the what-ifs.

There is so much unsaid between us.
Things you never asked and things I didn’t have the strength to tell you.

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