There Is So Much Unsaid Between Us!
Most days, you don’t exist in my world.
Most days, I‘m walking and breathing and focused on a million other things.
You are rarely ever the focus.
You are a footnote that I don’t even think of until I pass by someone with your name or a friend makes a pop culture reference I know you’d get.
I always find you in small pieces but never completely whole.
It’s a moment.
A suppressed memory.
A fleeting desire to text and see how you are.
But I don’t.
With you I remember how much it hurt.
I remember how hard it was to get back up off the floor and that I would have waited for you if I hadn’t.
With you I had to numb myself.
Or I would have collapsed.
We understood one another in the ways only someone who has dealt with overwhelming grief can.
There was a darkness inside you I could see and it didn’t scare me.
I felt it too.
When we spoke of our hopes and fears, I could see a way out of the bleak.
It would never be perfect.
It would never be the way it was before we learnt loss.
But I just knew, I just knew you and me, we could have been something.
In my truest moments when I don’t have the shield I crafted when you walked out my door, I think it’s still true.
This is what I say when I can’t fall asleep because the night I held myself alone on the cold floor still haunts me.
It wasn’t a clean break.
It wasn’t over when you left.
Life can be funny like that.
You weren’t fully out of my life the day you left.
You are still a name that hurts my stomach.
You are still a face I see and I think about the what-ifs.
There is so much unsaid between us.
Things you never asked and things I didn’t have the strength to tell you.