This Is How We Say Goodbye.
I have been sitting for days and it feels like weeks or years even.
My mat freshly powered by the full blue moon sits beside me as I work.
Every time I walk by I can feel the whisper, It is time to move.
Tonight I could hear it loud and clear despite the heaviness of my body and the weight of lungs full of grief and exhaustion I knew it was right and now was the time to move.
And so this moment that I had been anticipating, this moment that I had been avoiding down to the tear drops I knew would fall the moment I stepped onto it’s sacred surface was happening.
I stripped myself bare down to my flesh, bones and beating heart unrolled my mat turning up my latest musical love affair.
Here I go on my own alone me and my tears.
But the tears which have been leaving little puddles everywhere I go didn’t fall from my eyes and my body didn’t crumble to the ground.
Instead I felt myself swell with strength, my body moved, my breath took over and I could feel myself shed the layers of grief and sorrow that had begun to weigh me down.
I took myself by surprise of that there is no doubt.
I took myself through backbend after backbend, spending longer and longer each time, begging my lungs to shake free of the quicksand of grief that was clinging on as if it was the end of the world.
The truth of is this is the end of a chapter, the end of my world as I know it and everything is both an ending and a new beginning, it’s terrifying.
I thought that great love, real love and true love was the kind that would sustain and hold us through every storm that would pass.
I thought that what it meant to be in love was to hold on for dear life and to never let go no matter how violent the waves.
But what I am learning is that even in goodbyes we can love like the ocean.
And that maybe this love that starts the process of unwinding two lives and two beating hearts.
The love that slowly starts to separate books that have hugged together for sometime on the shelves a thin layer of dust marrying it together.
The love that stacks dishes and cutlery that have become the best of friends is the biggest love that there is.
Goodbyes though full of sad nights and relearning how to take a starfish shape in the bed at night.
Of awkward conversations and the random explosion of tears are when our love shines through in it’s purest form.
The day I find a new place to lay my head,
I will dream of the creak in the stairs and the dance of light through the windows in this old house.
I will remember each moment for it is imprinted in my heart that is beating broken bloody thing in my chest.
I will dream of you happy and free of your hands in the dirt and your eyes shaped like a camera and a jungle of garden surrounding your silver headed self.
I think of this all as I move slower and sink deeper.
I settle my body into stillness but for a moment the grief is not gone but the anxiety has lessened enough for me to stop moving and to feel this vibrate through my heart.
We will recover from this I know.
Some day soon I will laugh out loud at more than animals on trampolines and light will bounce back into my eyes as we speak.
Our story will always be ours and we have learnt through this surreal foreign land what love truly is.
For now I will learn how to say goodbye in these sweet and sorrowful days and continue to love as fiercely as the sea.