This Is Me Accepting The Truth!
I clung on to my foolish hopes as long as I could.
What can I say?
I’m an eternal optimist, holding out for the best despite all evidence to the contrary.
I didn’t want to accept the facts staring me right in my despondent face.
I took every bit of contact to mean more than it did.
Your guilt at my unhappiness and your feeble attempts to make amends looked like shadows of possibility to my desperately clutching, aching soul.
I tried everything I could think of to maintain contact with you.
If I had to go out of my way to create an excuse or a situation that necessitated communication, I would.
I made up a million ways to get your attention, ignoring the fact that you had already cut the cord.
It took a lot of frustration, confusion and tears to realise that you were never mine.
I refused to admit that it was over despite the fact that I knew deep down that it never began.
Still in love with you, I was absolutely unwilling to let go of the fantasy that somehow you love me despite all evidence showing me that you don’t know what love is.
My doleful, endlessly hopeful sadness gave way to shame and anger when I realised that not only were you completely done with me but to you I was just a simple flirt of yours.
It was the only thing that would motivate me to give up on you and finally look forward to the rest of my life without you, so in the end it was necessary.
I know that now.
At the time, all I knew was that it hurt like hell.
All I had been to you in those months after your discard was a placeholder, a way to fill your loneliness until you found someone new.
I wilfully turned a blind eye to that which I knew to be the awful truth, hoping beyond all hope that you would come around.
When I knew the truth of you being married, my heart shattered anew.
I’d spent months delaying the healing that I so desperately needed and had to start from the very beginning.
Everyone has a breaking point and that was mine.
I never contacted you again but I kept your old messages you sent me.
I tortured myself until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I let the pain and hurt and betrayal fester in the depths of my gut, roiling, churning and perpetuating misery.
Enough was enough and I knew it was finally time to make a change.
I’d put myself through unnecessary suffering for far too long.
The only person hurting me at that point was me.
I couldn’t place blame elsewhere.
I had to take responsibility for my own emotions and begin the healing process and I did even though it wasn’t easy.
Actually, it was the most difficult and valuable effort of my entire life thus far.
It was long and it was uncomfortable and it was absolutely the best thing I have ever done.
So this is me after an arduous and soul-aligning struggle, standing here in my power and saying that I finally accept the past.
I know that I met you for a reason and so did what happened.
It all makes sense to me now, now that I have crawled through the worst of it and broken back out into the shattered, familiar light.
I accept that you never loved me or even intended to.
I understand that we were not meant to be and finally that’s ok.
I can look back on what I thought we had and smile, knowing that it was a lovely and necessary growth period in my life.
When things were good, you were great and I will always appreciate my love to you.
I wish you nothing but the best for your future and I wish you happiness in your life.
I’m finally ok with the fact that you belong to someone else.