To The Man Who Emotionally Destroyed Me ,, To You SY.
I hope you remember me.
The woman who loved you more than herself.
The woman who made you her entire world despite knowing that she was just another contact on your phone you texted whenever you got tired of your busy life.
Maybe I was good for your ego.
Maybe I was some kind of an achievement or a trophy that you could brag about in front of your friends.
Maybe I was a placeholder.
Maybe you liked knowing that someone was always available to answer your calls regardless of the time and situation.
Maybe you liked seeing someone trying that hard for you.
There is a whole sea of maybes where I’m standing right now drowning in my thoughts and questioning my own identity.
I’m the only one to be blamed for this because I decided to continue swimming even after hearing the forecast of the coming storm.
My mistake was that I thought of you as my life guard.
You can call me insane for doing what I did, just like everyone else is saying about me.
When you entered my life I was so terrified to let my guard down.
I used to build a wall around myself so that no one could hurt me.
Then you came and promised me that you will always be there for me.
Slowly you broke that wall brick by brick and I started to believe that you were my saviour.
I finally told you my darkest secrets and let you see my deepest wounds.
I told you that I was getting addicted to you, to your presence, to your company, to your words and I didn’t want this addiction to turn into love.
I suggested that we should maintain some distance but you refused.
I trusted you and the timing of my life.
You remained at the top of my chatting list.
From sweet morning messages to good night texts.
You shared every tiny detail of your day with me.
You discussed new songs and the lyrics you loved the most.
We talked about sweet nothings all day and all night.
I tried my best to not fall for you.
But you always said the right things at the right time.
The time came when I finally realised that you were literally the one person I always want to be with.
And with this realisation I switched on my self destruction mode.
Soon you started to change and I stood there puzzled as I couldn’t understand your behaviour.
Your long texts got shorter by the second.
Everything about me that you previously admired now irritated the hell out of you.
You didn’t have time for me anymore and I started blaming myself thinking that I may have done something wrong.
I kept losing myself every time you didn’t answer my call.
You tried so hard to break my heart.
Every time you chose someone else over me.
I was always available for you and that bothered you a lot.
So you always chose your plans over me.
I fought with everyone who said anything bad about you.
I kept defending you just to be called A fool at the end of it all.
The journey of loving you was never easy for me.
I kept giving up on my self respect because you were too stubborn to let go of your ego.
Then finally the day arrived when my worst fears came true.
You decided to leave me saying that I’m the worst nightmare of your 50 years of life.
You knew that your six words were enough to tear me apart in a thousand piece.
Nothing can be worse than being called a nightmare especially when I considered you to be the best thing that ever happened to me.
I was guilty for loving you.
I still wonder if it would have hurt any less had you just left without naming my pure love as your worst nightmare.
Every night I cried myself to sleep trying to figure out what went wrong.
I still blame myself for everything.
I used to scream asking why wasn’t I good enough.
I shouted your name out loud but you were nowhere around.
You made a soul die and your cruelty killed me slowly.
I loved you and I still do but now it’s time for me to close this chapter and burn the entire book.
One thing I can promise you is that,
You will look for me in everyone you love.
One day I will be the one not answering your calls.
One day I will just scroll down your posts and status because it won’t matter to me.
Maybe I won’t even have to do that because you won’t be on my list.
You will search for my hand whenever you feel lost.
You will miss my voice whenever you need someone to listen to you.
One day you will miss me.
You will miss my texts.
You will miss my attention.
You will miss my efforts,
You will miss the way I apologised after every fight even though it was never my fault but for me there was no point in winning an argument over you.
You will miss how I cared.
You will miss how I loved you.
You will know that what I have given you was very rare.
One day you will hear songs that will make you miss me and you will change it as fast as you can.
One day you will regret everything and you would wish to apologise.
But I will not be there looking at my phone screen for hours waiting for your one text to fix everything.
I promise you will realise it after it is too late because then I would have stopped loving you with every fibre of my being.
I will walk past you and won’t even notice your presence.
Because today I happen to know my worth.
I know now that I shouldn’t have cried myself to sleep.
Now I know you can never be that someone.
Now I know that losing you was not a loss for me,
I lost someone who never deserved me.
But you lost someone who did everything to keep you safe in her heart.
For that I’m really sorry for your loss.
Love didn’t ruin me but it broke my heart.
Love changed the way I see the world.
Love damaged my trust.
Your Love broke me.
Loving you was thrilling and passionate but it was consuming and terrifying.
I was terrified because I loved you so much.
I was just as terrified of love as I was of death.
Sometimes when I’m alone my thoughts still drift back to being in love with you and I now accept that I will always love you.
But I also accept that I will never love you in the same way that I did before.
Not because I love you any less but because I love myself more.