To You My Friend On The Day You Remember Who You Are!!
I haven’t said this out loud for fear that it might sound like judgement when in fact it comes purely from a place of gratitude but I can’t believe it took so long for me to see yourself.
For you to see what I saw years ago when we were young and scared but not scared enough and overly confident in the way that made us seem both aloof and interesting to strangers.
For you to see how you are an individual to the core and someone who knows what works for her.
Someone who apologises not out of self doubt but because she never wants to cause harm or pain to others.
Someone who is brutally honest in a way that can seem shocking at first because we don’t expect how are you? to be followed with any other answer but fine.
Someone who has fought battles that my heart can’t wrap it’s mind around and who still finds a way to get up in the morning and love.
Someone who wants to be useful and productive, who wants to feel accomplished each day.
Someone whose brain is insistent on always learning, growing and stuffing itself with more, always more.
Someone who fights with quiet dignity for those she loves but isn’t too put together to fight loudly and boldly when the situation calls for it.
Someone who kindly and with the utmost care knocked down the walls I had built around me and made friendship a priority, an inevitability and a gift I would have drowned without.
I know that at some point in your life you saw glimpses of these things in yourself, you noticed your strength, kindness and capacity for love.
But I was never sure if you fully believed in yourself.
There seemed to be too much happening around you and inside you for you to ever find stillness.
And while I never judged you for this believe me, I’m still learning to see myself completely, I always hoped I would be here the moment it all clicked for you and the moment you realised your worth.
But I never imagined such a necessary Amr life affirming moment could be filled with so much pain.
Then I remembered how you saved me not so long ago when I began to wake up to my own worth.
How you listened patiently and let me cry without promising that anything would be ok.
How you reminded me of all my good when I felt like I was suffocating from layers of sadness and hopelessness.
How time, location and responsibility didn’t matter when I was having a moment or needed to be upset from God or replay conspiracy theories looking for clues to how it all went wrong.
In the end I began to see myself.
And I was everything you had always said I was.
I was everything you had made me feel in those small moments of connection that only friends can understand.
So here you are in your own moment.
In that sad, scary and uncomfortably real place where you can choose to see yourself for who you are and who you have always been or choose to hide yourself away because it all seems too big, too hard and full of unknowns endings, tears and questions.
And I hear it in your voice.
I hear it in a way that doesn’t sound like you but sounds more like the you that’s been aching to be seen.
I hear that you are ready.
Ready to be scared but not scared enough to be overly confident, to open your heart, to learn more and to fight bravely for yourself after so many years.
You are ready to let go.
You are ready to choose your soul.
So I will listen patiently.
I will let you cry.
I will never promise that it will be ok.
But I will always hold your hand.
I will show you your goodness.
I will stand strong while you go back, move forward and stand still.
Because I see you on the days that you see yourself but most especially on the days that you don’t.