Traumatic Bond VS Shattered Fantasy And Recovering!!
One of the most difficult things you have to grapple with when trying to break free from a Trauma Bond is the Realisation that you may have attributed a cosmic quality to something that had very little substance other than a raw attachment.
This is a perfectly reasonable response since we need to believe that we suffered the Abuse for a reason, in my case Love was what gave my endurance a meaning.
After coming to terms with the Abuse I would sometimes ask myself,
How was he able to convince me to adopt to his worldview?
But in Traumatic Bonding, the Victim doesn’t have to be convinced.
We are eager to believe the fantasy because the fantasy is a way of coping with the Abuse.
After a while, I needed to believe the promises even though he would never follow through on any because I was so deep in it that shattering the fantasy would put my psyche at risk of unraveling.
Grieving is a very complicated process when we are trying to overcome a Trauma Bond.
We have to grieve the loss of that person.
We have to grieve the loss of ourselves with that person.
We have to grieve the loss of that person without us.
Part of my continued loyalty was motivated by a feeling that all of the progression he is making in our relationship would be lost if I didn’t maintain my loyalty.
But perhaps the most difficult part of the process is grieving the stories, the fantasies, the promises and the social narratives that we clung to in order to make sense of the situation.
The utterly desperate Hopes and Dreams that we cultivated in the face of our suffering.
When we start to shatter the fantasies, the pain will be absolutely overwhelming.
We will want to go back to the fantasies because it seems less painful than breaking free from it.
In that moment returning to the fantasy will not alleviate the pain but it will just create more pain in the long run.
As we deconstruct the stories and fantasies we will feel like total idiots.
We will doubt our intelligence.
Our world will seem profoundly unstable because everything we thought to be true will no longer be true.
We will feel like we can’t trust ourselves or anyone around us.
we will feel paranoid about being used by people.
We will compulsively scan our memories trying to locate a true moment.
We will use moments that seem like it could be an example of Real Love or ANYTHING Real to confuse ourselves and go back to the Fantasy.
As we try to dismantle the Trauma Bond, LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN OUR BODY will push against letting go.
Our Nervous System and Psyche have been pushed passed their limits and have been reorganised in order to adjust to the Abuse.
Over time the coping strategies that we developed while experiencing Trauma will solidify.
In all vertebrate animals, fear and intensity increases attachment.
We can imagine situations where this response would have a survival function.
But when we are in an Abusive Relationship we become Psychologically and Physiologically Addicted to the Abuse.
Which is not to say that as Survivors of Abuse we are bringing the Abuse upon ourselves.
Our system is overloaded when we experience Abuse and Fear so it pushes us into a Reactive State.
Our body must adjust to live in this state of fear in order to survive.
As our reactions and coping mechanisms are codified over time, it has the paradoxical function of deepening the Trauma Bond.
Abuse becomes normalised, we may even become so desensitised that the Abusive Behaviour stops registering as Abuse.
The most Intense Bonds are the ones that involve Intermittent Abuse mixed with Promises, Hopes, Kindness, and Tenderness.
The Abuse creates the intensity and the tenderness allows the fantasy to flourish.
Attachment is also intensified by the false feeling of intimacy that occurs when we are abused by someone we Love, there is the hight of the crisis, the euphoria of reconciliation and the amnesia that follows.
If the fantasy starts to unravel or wane, another crisis situation will occur to reinvigorate the fantasy, the stories and the promises.
After each cycle the Trauma Bond will deepen.
Friends of Survivors understand the Traumatic Bonding before you judge.
If you have not been Traumatically Bonded to someone, you can’t understand how desperately the Abused Victim longs to be loved by the person who is Abusing them.
You may not be able to understand why a person who has been Abused acts the way they act?
Why would they go to great lengths to protect their Abuser and maintain their relationship with him?
You may feel like the person who has been Abused is unreasonable and you may offer your rational assessment of the relationship.
But of course many people who are stuck in Abusive Relationships have a perfectly rational view of what is taking place.
The problem is that they can’t reason their way out of the relationship even if they can clearly see what is going on.
People who are stuck in Abusive Relationships are often internally split and this two sides of them do not communicate with each other.
They can hold contradictory views in their body at the same time they may know that they are being abused while also maintaining a belief in the fantasy that is keeping them attached to their Abuser.
But like I said earlier the Abused Victim’s attachment to their Abuser is not unreasonable.
It has it’s own internal logic and this logic is incomprehensible to people who have not been Traumatically Bonded to someone.
To outsiders it looks like an irrational attachment but actually it emerged from a coping mechanism that the Abused Victim developed to survive the Abuse.