When We Fall In Love With The Idea!!
When it comes to matters of the heart, it is challenging to identify healthy love.
When we speak of unhealthy love we imply the lack of reason.
Looking back at my past amorous experiences, I was prone to unhealthy love.
I fell in love with the idea of him.
How is it possible to fall in love with an idea when the person is right there in front of us?
Yet I know this will strike a chord for some others not only me.
Oftentimes we are incapable of identifying an unhealthy pattern when we are stuck in it until later when the pattern ends do we see things objectively.
Generally speaking there are two realities.
The one out there that is untainted by our own projections and the one in our heads.
Most of the time the one in our heads almost always defines the one that is outside.
We habitually create our own realities because the actual world as it is doesn’t always adhere to our wishes.
Consequently to avoid the complexity and unpleasantness of the real world we create a reality that suits our desires.
Then the reality in our head merges with the actual reality forever altering our decisions, choices and perceptions.
This is what precisely happens when we fall in love with the idea of someone.
We create a fake reality about him inside our head.
Unfortunately we don’t do that consciously.
We don’t simply choose to create realities other than the one out there.
That said a lack of awareness combined with intense emotions can lead us to skip the rational part in love.
Emotions are the first thing that develop when we meet a person, we might be extremely attracted to his physical appearance or highly fond of his personality.
Whatever emotions we experience at the beginning if left unattended it overshadow the reality of the person.
What happens when emotions overshadow reality?!
We put the other person up on a pedestal and idolise him.
He might be amazing and he might be the right person for us but even if he is, through creating the idea we miss the chance of experiencing a healthy love.
Creating a concept out of the right person is undesirable because we will never be fulfilled no matter how much he gives us.
And by drawing preconceptions about him, we also miss the chance of getting to know him for who he is.
On the other hand if we create a great idea around the potentially wrong person we are definitely setting ourselves up for disappointment since we miss the red flags to chase that idea.
How many times have we found ourselves rushing to be with someone after a few days or a few weeks of meeting him?
While we think it’s a love at first sight, it’s simply our emotions taking control.
Instead of focusing on getting to know that person more and taking things slowly, we focus on what to give so we won’t lose him and focus on the end result.
Oftentimes it costs us his respect and how he sees us.
He becomes a concept rather than a real person and the truth is concepts and ideas change.
This is why an unhealthy love although it’s tough to get unstuck from it can be easily forgotten because we don’t really lose that person but we simply lost the idea that we created about him.
That’s the reason we stay in unhealthy or destructive relationships for years.
While we think we are holding on to the person, the fact is that we are holding on to the concept of that person we have created in our minds.
We might stay with a cheating partner because we want to believe that he will change.
We might refuse to let go of an emotionally unavailable partner because in our heads he will open up and get close to us.
We might even stay with a partner after he has changed how he interacts with us because we are still attached to the idea of how he used to be with us.
There are a few relationships that I couldn’t easily let go of in the past.
Back then I thought I couldn’t be separate from that person because I loved him so much.
Now I chuckle every time I think of this.
I simply couldn’t be separate from him because separation meant the end of the story I created in my head.
It’s not that I couldn’t let go of him but of who I wanted him to be.
Now, how can we stop ourselves from putting other people up on a pedestal and actually fall in love with the person and not just with our perfect image of him?
It all boils down to how we respond to our emotions and perceptions.
We can apply this when we first meet someone or even after years of being in a relationship.
Ask yourself this,
Do you see this person as perfect inside out?
If yes know that you are overlooking his flaws.
I’m sure he has wonderful qualities but nobody’s perfect.
Put your emotions aside and see him for who he is without any judgments.
You might find a trivial flaw and end up loving it or you might find a deal breaker that’s been hurting you all along.
Are you afraid of losing him?
We usually like to believe in the reality that hurts us less.
There is a thin line between real optimism and disguised positivity so we won’t get hurt.
Emotions don’t define love.
To extremely like someone or be fond of him doesn’t make him the right person for us.
We need to discern what’s underneath our hopes, feelings and conceptions.
We must practice using our logic and reason when we fall in love and only then can we call it a healthy love.