When You Lose Someone You Never Had.
You were never supposed to mean this much to me.
I was never supposed to fall so hard but I did and that is the truth.
That is what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to let you go.
I never planned this.
This wasn’t intentional.
It was accidental and I wish it had never happened but it did.
You were just another man, another smooth talker with a nice charm.
You were fully aware of your attractions and knew exactly what to say.
I’m not easily fooled but you called my bluff and before I knew it I had fallen in love with you.
I fell head over heels like a 15 year old girl.
You were everything I wanted and everything I thought I needed.
You expressed your feelings for me and promised me the world.
And like a naive 15 year old girl I believed every word.
But the thing with you was that you liked the chase.
You enjoyed the challenge of trying to get a my attention because you knew eventually you would.
And after you caught your prey, you devoured it and moved on.
My friends told me to stay away from you.
They told me you were nothing but trouble and would only hurt me.
But I jumped anyways and you weren’t there to catch me.
You were nowhere around and nowhere to be found.
You had gotten what you wanted and decided you were done.
There wasn’t a thrill anymore the one you pursued actually wanted you.
So you walked away like it was nothing.
Like I never meant anything to you and I probably didn’t.
You meant the world to me and you were the only one I saw in a crowded room.
You would look at me in a way and I would melt into a puddle on the floor.
That crooked smile would cross your face when you saw your affect on me knowing you had succeeded in wooing another victim.
And I knew deep down that this wasn’t right.
That this wasn’t going to end well.
I held onto the small amount of hope I had thinking that eventually you would change your mind.
You would realise it was me all along and I was the one you belonged to.
But that is a fairy tale ending and I’m not Cinderella.
I was a fool for believing in you.
For hanging onto every promise that came out of your mouth.
You walked away with your pride and dignity and I was left with a shattered heart and a mess to clean up.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t accept that you were actually gone.
I fell asleep every night praying I would wake up the next morning and it would all just be a nightmare but it wasn’t.
I would open my eyes and you would still be gone.
We were never in a relationship and we never publicly expressed our feelings.
Everything was kept behind a curtain and I later found out why.
You never had the intention of being with me because you were still married even though you told me that you were divorced.
You never meant it when you told me I was the one for you.
That us meeting was fate and that I was a blessing to you.
None of your words amounted to anything and I was too damn blind to see it then.
But I see very clearly now.
I see who you are and what you did to me.
I feel the damage inside but I also feel it healing.
One day at a time slowly but surely I’m getting over you.
I have forgiven you even though there was no apology.
I didn’t forgive you for your benefit but I did it for me.
Holding onto my anger wasn’t hurting anyone except me so I did forgive you but I did not forget.
I will never forget the disappointments.
The nights I stayed up waiting for your call.
The days you promised to visit and never showed.
The way you turned out to be the complete opposite of who you claimed you were.
It’s been almost 2 years since you have been gone and I’m doing ok.
I still have my bad days of course.
Actually more bad nights than days.
During the day I’m alright.
I keep myself busy so I don’t have time to think.
It’s at the end of each day when I crawl in bed and close my eyes.
That’s when I see your face.
Sometimes I smile thinking about the few good memories I have of you and other nights I cry myself to sleep.
I will never forget giving you my everything and getting nothing but lies and deceit.
I put my happiness in your hands and you dropped it like it was nothing.
In a sea of people my eyes will always search for you.